Liza Cunningham

“safety never takes a holiday” -Paul Blart mall cop

[Liza Cunningham @Liza_Cunningham]

Forgive me father, for I am about to go sicko mode

[i like food @messedupfoods]

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

[dinosaur @dinosaurs1969]

post office employees when you ask them to do anything

[Ron Iver @ronnui_]

The Trader Joe's cashiers are using their secret bell language to talk shit about me again

[i like food @messedupfoods]

???

[Colin @you_colin_me]

Austin Butler makes history as the first actor from Sharpay’s Fabulous Adventure to win a Golden Globe!

[Liza Cunningham @Liza_Cunningham]

A candle is a recorded smell.

[sydney @demiurgently]

my ducks? in a row. ordered. disciplined. behaving predictably.
your ducks? scattered. in disarray. waddling aimlessly. desperate for a leader to impose structure.

pathetic.

[pj @pjayevans]

Hey man I noticed you picked yoshi. Do you mind letting me have him or else.

[Caitlin @caithuls]

Overnight Oats sounds like the name of a racehorse who sucks

[Liza Cunningham @Liza_Cunningham]

There’s nothing more unathletic looking than chasing a ping pong ball

[Liza Cunningham @Liza_Cunningham]

@DylanDynomiteT Hey nice tweet!!

[Thoughts of Dog @dog_feelings]

today. i wasn’t a very good dog

april fools. i was so good

[Skoog @Skoog]

“pretty privilege strikes again,” i say to myself after noticing the seventh mcnugget in my six-piece meal

[Fred MyLeg @foxygrandpa62]

JUST CALL ME DADDY!

[Liza Cunningham @Liza_Cunningham]

Idea for bachelorette producers: plant mono among the applicants. Can you IMAGINE the drama that would come from a mono outbreak