Claire Lockhart

[Claire Lockhart @LockhartClaire]

@Tech20212 @PlayStation I've had this! I thought it was cancelled last year as no longer even own a PS yet today, a recurring payment taken! No way to speak to anyone, chat bot useless now on hold for over an hour and a half, I want that money back at least and preferably last year's too!

[Claire Lockhart @LockhartClaire]

@PlayStation do you actually have any customer service? I need my subscription refunded but this is proving impossible and it's been recurring for 2 years since we even had a playstation. Chat bot is useless, currently on hold for 1.5 hours...

[Peter Girnus 🦅 @gothburz]

My CISO called me at 3 AM last Tuesday.

"We caught someone."

I asked, "Caught them doing what?"

He said, "Typing."

Let me explain.

We have an employee in IT. Great worker. Always online. Never complained. Perfect Slack etiquette.

One problem.

His keystrokes were arriving 110 milliseconds late.

One hundred and ten milliseconds.

That's 0.11 seconds.

The average American remote worker has 20-40ms of latency.

This guy? 110ms. Every. Single. Keystroke.

My security team ran the numbers.

That latency doesn't come from a bad router in Ohio.

That latency comes from Pyongyang.

Our "Senior DevOps Engineer" was a North Korean operative.

Running his work laptop through a laptop farm.

In America.

While he worked from a government building.

In North Korea.

He passed the interview. He passed the background check. He passed the vibe check.

He did not pass the speed of light.

Here's what people don't understand about physics:

Light travels 186,000 miles per second.

But it still has to go through China.

And China adds latency.

Since April, Amazon has caught 1,800 of these attempts.

Eighteen hundred.

I called an emergency meeting with my board.

I said, "We need to implement Keystroke Velocity Auditing across all remote employees."

They said, "That sounds invasive."

I said, "You know what else is invasive? The Democratic People's Republic of Korea in your Jira tickets."

They approved the budget.

We now monitor keystroke timing to the microsecond.

If your latency exceeds 60ms, you get a call from HR.

If it exceeds 100ms, you get a call from the FBI.

We've already flagged 47 employees.

Turns out 44 of them just have bad Wi-Fi.

3 of them are "still under investigation."

The lesson?

You can fake a resume.

You can fake a background check.

You can fake an American accent on Zoom.

But you cannot fake the speed of light.

Physics is the ultimate background check.

Hire accordingly.

[Claire Lockhart @LockhartClaire]

@TalkTalk Shame on you. After spending months trying to communicate with you as a POA for a person with dementia and failing to get anywhere, I finally managed to break into her email account to find all the online bills and that you've referred her to debt collection.

[Claire Lockhart @LockhartClaire]

@DrAmirKhanGP @lisacobbs16

[Jurassic Coast Guide @jurassicguides]

COMPETITION TIME!!!
To be in with a chance of winning this lovely Androgynoceras Ammonite from Charmouth, all you have to do is RETWEET this tweet and make sure you’re FOLLOWING me! Winner announced this Sunday evening around 7pm. Good luck 🤞

[Richard Murphy @RichardJMurphy]

I have reworked my thread on the NHS pay deal having read more about it. The argument I make is the same, but the data is slightly different, so this is version 2 of why the NHS is at very real risk because of this deal. A thread….

[Edwin Hayward @edwinhayward]

This is a stunning clip.

Suella Braverman gets tied up like a pretzel trying to explain how an asylum seeker could apply for asylum from the UK despite (according to the Tories) not having any legal route to come to the UK in order to do so...
https://t.co/9KBjYScQci

[Chris Packham @ChrisGPackham]

What the actual ? @plymouthcc what is the matter with you ? What do you not understand ? Despicable vandalism @Natures_Voice @DevonWildlife

[Claire Lockhart @LockhartClaire]

@PokemonGoApp #GOGimmighoul

[Pokémon GO @PokemonGoApp]

What’s in the box? 👀

You can RT and find out!

Roaming Form Gimmighoul can now be caught in #PokemonGO! We’re celebrating by giving away Gimmighoul-themed prizes!🥳🎉

To claim:

Follow us on Twitter
RT this post with #GOGimmighoul

You’ll get a code to redeem. Let’s GO!

[Claire Lockhart @LockhartClaire]

@ProfBrianCox Terminal velocity is relative. That's all I have. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[Rafael Shimunov 🍉 🕎 @rafaelshimunov]

Did Twitter Blue tweet just cost Eli Lilly $LLY billions?

Yes.

[Claire Lockhart @LockhartClaire]

@jenstirrup @hankadusikova @cathrinew @Mrs_Fatherjack @stephj_martin @Clairej65351490 @lisacobbs16 @hannahburty Thank you Jen, was lovely to catch your input at #sqlbits though I was remote attending this year. I hope the year has been kind to you too! X

[Ian Dunt @IanDunt]

Disastrous morning. Horrific and unthinkable. Putin is a thug, an imperialist and a stain on human progress, as are all those who support him, including in the UK.

[Claire Lockhart @LockhartClaire]

@jqmtweets Happened to one of my team last week. Fix was a 14hr round trip bus ride to log computer on within the network so it could re sync. I hope you are luckier than that 😉

[Claire Lockhart @LockhartClaire]

@HMRCcustomers I've attempted to speak to 3 different departments today about various tax and income matters. Last time kept me on hold for half an hour before cutting me off. I need to speak to a person not a computer 😔

[Claire Lockhart @LockhartClaire]

@_NatashaDevon I've seen you in person, I don't care what size you are, it's clear you're a great person but if YOU are feeling uncomfortable with your weight then that matters and I hope you are feeling happier with yourself soon. Don't lose sight of the good stuff you do and that you are xx

[Claire Lockhart @LockhartClaire]

@BethMatthewsz You are worth it. I'll get you a coffee with every paycheck. Keep pushing forwards lovely lady

[Claire Lockhart @LockhartClaire]

I'm SO grateful for our school 💕. They are not all the same @BurratonSchool

[Dr Carrie Grant MBE (hc) 💙 @CarrieGrant1]

This letter is heart-breaking. Schools need to rediscover their humanity. For the children and I suspect staff too. We are all human, all subject to frailties, all capable of reaching out in some way to help one another. 😥