Maarlowe

Everything since Bretton Woods is an illusion

[Maarlowe @Maarllowe]

@KingBobIIV Still thinking about this post all day. So funny xx

[Queen Bee @KingBobIIV]

I have always hated cats. Never had one, never wanted one, my parents hated them, I assumed this was simply one of those sensible family traditions that would be passed down through the generations.

Then my son wanted a cat.

So we got Winston.

Obviously the child’s enthusiasm for feeding, cleaning up after and generally tending to Winston lasted approximately eleven minutes, and I became staff. Except staff are paid.
Winston therefore decided he liked me. Well, "liked" is doing a lot of heavy lifting. He tolerated my existsnce.I did not like Winston. We had a perfectly satisfactory commercial arrangement: I provided food, he stopped screaming at me like a tiny furry crack addict.

Then my eldest moved out and LEFT HIM HERE.

So now I’m permanently living with an aggressive domestic abuser who wakes me up demanding breakfast, follows me around shouting, insists on affection and then, when affection is provided, attacks me because apparently I have administered it incorrectly.

Then my little girl wanted a kitten.

“It’s a boy,” I was assured.

Excellent. James.

James is not a boy.

By the time we discovered this, James had been James for too long and nobody could think of another name, so she is now officially James Not James, or JNJ for texting purposes.

And somehow, without anyone consulting me, I have become a CAT PERSON.

Tonight Winston and James Not James are both lying on top of me and I’m trapped in a position last seen during the floor routine at the 1984 Olympics. I need a wee (possibly a fart (Im not taking any chances at mt age without a Tenna Lady)). My leg has gone dead. I think I’ve lost circulation to one arm. I cannot move because apparently disturbing either of them would constitute a war crime.

And, annoyingly, I love the little bastards.

WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?

Bob is my dog. Bob and I are soulmates. Bob has principles.
Bob "claims" he hates cats.

Except I’ve caught Bob asleep in bed with them, so Bob is apparently a collaborator. A double agent. I have been betrayed.

I am now outnumbered by three furry freeloaders, none of whom contribute financially, all of whom occupy my furniture, two of whom shit in boxes inside my house, and one of whom openly assaults me.

There must be an Ombudsman for this.

The Feline Complaints Commission?

Cats Ofcom? Catchment?

A tribunal?

I’d like to speak to whoever is in charge because this is absolutely not what I signed up for.

Exhibit A

[Maarlowe @Maarllowe]

@EmployRightsIE Gross salary quotes are the greatest scam ever

[Maarlowe @Maarllowe]

@KingBobIIV Ooh. just got a chill down my spine reading this

[Breaking911 @Breaking911]

🚨 BREAKING: A woman who worked for Eric Swalwell, a leading candidate for California governor, has alleged that she had sexual encounters with him while he was her boss and that he twice sexually assaulted her when she was too intoxicated to consent.

[Maarlowe @Maarllowe]

@AutismCapital Noooooo

[Maarlowe @Maarllowe]

@KingBobIIV They would prefer to send all of Europe into a meat grinder than admit Trump is right

[W. @walterwhitepill]

Scott Adams was a real one to the very end. Salute to a good man. Some banger quotes:

- If you spend all your time arguing with people who are nuts, you'll be exhausted and the nuts will still be nuts.

- I used to be stupid but I've turned that situation around 360 degrees.

- You don't have to be a 'person of influence' to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they've taught me.

- Continuing to believe the same thing, even in the face of new evidence to the contrary, is the definition of insanity - except in politics where it's called leadership.

- I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.

- Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.

- There's nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot.

- No matter how smart you are, you spend much of your day being an idiot.

- Remember, freedom is always taken, never given.

- Always remember that as long as other people are gullible, there's no limit to what you can achieve.

- Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.

[Maarlowe @Maarllowe]

@john_mcguirk An American president who dramatically improved hemispheric defence against increasing Russian and Chinese presence, as well as forced the Fed to set interest rates based on objective analysis of the economy instead of political preference, would be a historically great president

[Maarlowe @Maarllowe]

@KingBobIIV Beautiful writing

[Maarlowe @Maarllowe]

@AutismCapital Omg totally worth it just for the debates

[Maarlowe @Maarllowe]

@Polito_loco @IrishMirror The lies are getting desparate now

[Maarlowe @Maarllowe]

@MZHemingway This is it exactly. People are looking at the same video and running completely different narratives in their head

[Maarlowe @Maarllowe]

@SoulLight777 Does anyone else feel like we're in the first half of Close Encounters? Waiting for a signal? It's weird

[Maarlowe @Maarllowe]

@john_mcguirk If Biden had done sensible things like secure the borders, try to secure cheap energy (which is key to ending inflation and war) and, in this case, secure newly opening arctic shipping routes, I would have been delighted

[Maarlowe @Maarllowe]

@EoinLenihan @hu_conservative For a second I thought this was in ireland, nearly died of shock haha

[Maarlowe @Maarllowe]

@Polito_loco OK time to become an expert in privacy phones I guess 🙄

[Maarlowe @Maarllowe]

@KingBobIIV They do honestly deserve an award for the mental gymnastics

[Maarlowe @Maarllowe]

@AutismCapital