Matt Melby

[Matt Melby @MattMelby]

@realDonaldTrump Do you ever just SHUT THE FUCK UP? You lost, you fucking cunt. Stop throwing a temper tantrum and get the fuck out of our White House, you obese Chester Cheetah lookin ass piece of absolute shit.

[Ron Johnson @3RonJohnson]

Hey @NFL,
I guess blocking downfield on a pass play is only reviewed for the #Vikings huh? Watch the slot WR to the top of the screen. He is definitely blocking downfield thinking run play. All scoring plays are reviewed. Why wasn’t this noticed? Are the refs in NY sleep?

[Matt Melby @MattMelby]

@BlizzardCS

[Matt Melby @MattMelby]

@BlizzardCS It's funny how it worked JUST FINE 9 hours ago when I was playing. FFS how did this even happen?

[Matt Melby @MattMelby]

Rent: Paid
Fridge/Cabinets: Empty
Money in bank: <$10

The theme this week: "How much can we starve before Friday?"

[Matt Melby @MattMelby]

Worked out for the first time in 5 years yesterday...
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I hurt

[Matt Melby @MattMelby]

This guy in the stall next to me is literally dying.
It sounds like a walrus getting slowly murdered.
I was not prepared for these deafening cries of agony.
Sorry bro

[Matt Melby @MattMelby]

Also....

I'm out of toilet paper

[Matt Melby @MattMelby]

"Matt why are you such an angry person?"

"Cause life is cruel & unfair, people are morons, the world is quickly dying.
Also, cause I have 2 best friends that are dead & there's nothing I can do to bring them back."

Don't ask stupid questions if you don't want blunt ass answers

[Matt Melby @MattMelby]

"The best place to advertise is on this board above the urinal!" the urinal board states as it's empty of advertisements.
That's right. #nohands

[Matt Melby @MattMelby]

Toilet thoughts:
Why can't toilet seats be heated/do some massage type thing when you're sitting on them? I'd like being in the bathroom more if my buttcheeks could get treated nicely rather than sitting on a cold, non-massaging toi-
Oh god... splashes.

[Matt Melby @MattMelby]

I'm just gonna start tweeting my random thoughts whilst on the toilet. It's the only time I use Twitter anyway.
That being said..
Nothing like 4 cups of coffee to not only start your day, but to also start your colon.

[Matt Melby @MattMelby]

I won a game of monopoly for the first time ever yesterday.
This is how I felt about it:

[Matt Melby @MattMelby]

@realDonaldTrump Hey you fucking man child. Stop throwing temper tantrums cause we won't pay for your idiotic wall.
If you want it so bad, YOU pay for it, you fat sack of shit. We all know you can spare $5 billion you geriatric prick.

[Matt Melby @MattMelby]

If you like dubstep, go give my EP a listen!

Listen to Burn It Down EP by Pyrogliphix_Official #np on #SoundCloud
https://t.co/h1FU4r4T7Q

[Sen. Bernie Sanders @SenSanders]

Fox News wants you to believe that Medicare for All will limit your intake of donuts. Here's why they're wrong:

[Matt Melby @MattMelby]

Lol people blocking me over stupid shit 😂😂 #petty

[Matt Melby @MattMelby]

@BrookeLarson1 Numbers and facts don't lie. It's science. It's awesome. Don't be scared of change. There's plenty of solid, strong scientific evidence that supports this, while everything you're saying is founded in fear of change and lobbying from the opposition of GMO companies

[Matt Melby @MattMelby]

@kentttiferrr @BrookeLarson1 Shit dude I didn't even realize you were tagged in this still. My bad lol

[Matt Melby @MattMelby]

@BrookeLarson1 @kentttiferrr Yeah, weed killers, just like organic crops that aren't edited to repel insects and weeds, are sprayed with pesticides and week killer.
#AlwayswashyourproduceGMOorNONGMO