Matt Rouis

[Ramin Nasibov @RaminNasibov]

Meanwhile in Tobleronistan

[NOBUNAGA🇯🇵🏯_夏樹蒼依 @japan_nobunaga]

USA. A Mexican restaurant. We had not yet ordered anything, and the food was already arriving.

Chips. Salsa. Unrequested. Free.

I stopped the waiter. "We have not earned these."

"They just come with the table, man."

They come with the TABLE. In my land, hospitality is a debt. Every gift creates an obligation, weighed carefully, returned in the proper season with interest of feeling. Here, the gift arrives before you have even proven you can pay for dinner.

This is not an appetizer. This is a declaration: we trust you. Eat.

I ate with the gravity the moment deserved. And then — I must report this calmly — the basket emptied, and a new one appeared.

"Did we…?"

"Refill," the waiter said. "It's bottomless."

Bottomless. They have wells of salsa. The supply lines of this nation are beyond anything my ancestors imagined.

My friend warned me. "Don't fill up on chips, dude."

Too late. I had accepted three baskets. Honor demanded each one be finished — an unfinished gift is an insult. By the time my actual food arrived, I was a ruined man.

I was not hungry. I was not comfortable. I had been defeated by a courtesy.

Generosity that arrives before the request cannot be repaid. It can only be survived.

I know the rule now. I have made my peace with the basket. One basket. Two at the most.

Who am I deceiving. There is no number of baskets I would refuse. The trust of a nation is in that salsa, and I intend to honor all of it.

[jules @_pottedplant]

if i was a figure skater id put my hobby for the isu website as “figure skating” and see if anyone notices

[alexei @alexeixbt]

nobody coming to save you also implies
no one is coming to stop you

[Keeks 🦋 @DietCoke_Esq]

I hate when the opposing side is like "this is our standard agreement." Yeah, thanks for sending it over as a PDF—I'm definitely just going to agree to these unilateral terms and this insane indemnity clause

[Analytic Valley Girl Chris @ChrisExpTheNews]

I was using ChatGPT for legal advice and it decided to completely hallucinate some preposterous nonsense about how growing wheat to use on my own farm somehow constitutes interstate commerce

[Jett 🜲 @iky_fwjett]

reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment

[elle 🦭 @2axelbot]

things I would say if I was being held hostage and needed someone to send help

[bad bunny fan @yankspilled]

baseball fans are nicer to anthony volpe than figure skating fans are to alysa liu which is actually mind boggling considering alysa wins medals and volpe makes you scream “NOOOO” at your tv

[cher @hanayoshidas]

pins fall during bowling

[Ben Dreyfuss @bendreyfuss]

Whether you are a conservative or a liberal, I think the one thing we should all be able to agree on is that the people who put asterisks in words like porn or murder are the most annoying people on earth.

[Bö Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke]

X needs to go back to a 140 character limit so I don't have to constantly read War and Peace from some of you blowhards

[Governor Newsom Press Office @GovPressOffice]

NFL REDZONE JUST HAD ITS FIRST COMMERCIAL (TERRIBLE. SO DISTRACTING!!!) I AM VERY SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING BANNING THEM FOREVER. TRUMP LET THIS HAPPEN. TOTAL DISASTER!! I, AMERICA’S FAVORITE GOVERNOR, GAVIN C. NEWSOM (MANY SAY “THE FIXER”), WILL CLEAN IT UP. ESPN, A GREAT AMERICAN COMPANY, STOP THE COMMERCIALS! THANK YOU!!! — GCN

[Matt Rouis @Matthew_Rounis]

@MikeFromCo Don’t worry I’m sure George Clooney will have that in mind when he anoints the next dem candidate 🙄

[Matt Rouis @Matthew_Rounis]

@MikeFromCo bro why u tweeting in class

[Kat Abughazaleh @KatAbughazaleh]

dc statehood is somehow a crazy fantasy and yet this country has two dakotas