Megan Patterson

Being this witty and hilarious can be a gift and a curse.

[Megan Patterson @Megapatty44]

Day drinking and watching Queer Eye with your friends is a lazy way to celebrate pride. Forgive me for not being better but I secretly love weeping over straight man transformations!

[Megan Patterson @Megapatty44]

@juliealti3 And then his hell would be HIM getting cat called for all eternity!

[Noor Theatre @NoorTheatre]

Huge congratulations to everyone involved in this beautiful show! #TonyAwards https://t.co/l6Os7B5a1c

[Megan Patterson @Megapatty44]

Looking for a seat on Amtrak, I asked a lady sitting in the window seat “do you mind if I sit here” pointing at the aisle seat and she just shrugged and responded “why should I care you paid for it”. Great point stranger. Great point.

[Megan Patterson @Megapatty44]

I wish my will to live today was as strong as my brows

[Megan Patterson @Megapatty44]

Some days you just need a beer, a charcoal mask, and playing Zelda in your bed to know you’ve made it.

[Megan Patterson @Megapatty44]

I wish I was the kind of person who could say “that’s all for me” at the end of a happy hour. How thoroughly rested I could be!

[Megan Patterson @Megapatty44]

I’m not here for crimped hair coming back! That shit needs to stay in the past

[Megan Patterson @Megapatty44]

Perk of a snowstorm: empty trains and the constant worry that you missed the memo that it’s a snow day and you’ve made a grave mistake

[Megan Patterson @Megapatty44]

Hey @BAM_Brooklyn you have any tickets left for today’s 5:15pm showing of Black Panther??

[Megan Patterson @Megapatty44]

The lipstick color I pick in the morning sets my mood for the day. So tread fucking lightly if you see a red or dark purple cause mama is FEELING herself and has no time for your bullshit. And she talks in third person so you know she’s already unhinged. That’s all.

[Megan Patterson @Megapatty44]

There are few things a burrito can’t fix

[Noor Theatre @NoorTheatre]

Join us in congratulating our Co-Founder & Advisory Board Member, Maha Chehlaoui, on her company Pass the Mic Media receiving a Pop Collaboration Grant! https://t.co/VqZzmZ9iIh

[Megan Patterson @Megapatty44]

People. Fucking. Blow. When you’re actually growling out loud you know it’s going to be an uphill climb kind of day.

[Megan Patterson @Megapatty44]

Bought a bag of dark chocolate peanut butter cups thinking I have self control. Total delusion. I don’t. They’re gone. I’m ill. New Years resolution: Stop lying to myself

[Megan Patterson @Megapatty44]

This morning I threw away a Sephora box with food delivery bags inside it, and I feel like that image perfectly describes my life choices

[Megan Patterson @Megapatty44]

It turns out not getting a snow day is just as disappointing as it was in school.

[Megan Patterson @Megapatty44]

@Hom_Burglar Since May! Girl you’re behind the times

[Megan Patterson @Megapatty44]

When your bed is surrounded by empty food delivery bags, you know you’ve either lived your best life this weekend or you have no goals for 2018. I’m still deciding which applies.

[Megan Patterson @Megapatty44]

“Yeah he’s not the best but he’s not the worst kid I’ve seen on this thing” - my mom shading kids in Hallmark movies #ChristmasVacationBinge