Melissa McCurdy 🌻

always up to somethin'

[Melissa McCurdy 🌻 @MelissaMcCurdy7]

I was taking out the trash and a kid from the playground yells through the gate, "ahhh a hooker!" So I say, "what?!" He goes, "you're a hooker! HAHAHA" so I yelled back, "Fuck you! Your mom's a fucking hooker you little fuck!"

So there's that. 🤦🏻‍♀️how's your day?

[Melissa McCurdy 🌻 @MelissaMcCurdy7]

Change "I didn't have time" to "I didn't make it a priority" and see how differently you feel about the situation

[Bess Kalb @bessbell]

Now is not the time to be petty or vindictive, now is the time to look across the political divide and reach out to Trump voters and tell them to eat shit forever.

[Melissa McCurdy 🌻 @MelissaMcCurdy7]

This thread is everything

[TitosVodka @TitosVodka]

@NatGordo Per the CDC, hand sanitizer needs to contain at least 60% alcohol. Tito's Handmade Vodka is 40% alcohol, and therefore does not meet the current recommendation of the CDC. Please see attached for more information.

[Joanne Gannon @joanne_gannon]

I was standing in the line at McDonald's yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said 'you are the best sister ever' and walked away and the girl in McDonald's looked at me in disgust and I've never wanted to die so much in my life

[Melissa McCurdy 🌻 @MelissaMcCurdy7]

http://t.co/SuaqtL0u8L Hang in there Darbs, you can only go up after last night. #Yoursong #thestruggleisreal @SantosDarby

[Melissa McCurdy 🌻 @MelissaMcCurdy7]

@DarbySantos2 @SantosDarby Dude I love you 💛💛💛

[Melissa McCurdy 🌻 @MelissaMcCurdy7]

http://t.co/SuaqtL0u8L Hang in there Darbs, you can only go up after last night. #Yoursong #thestruggleisreal @SantosDarby

[Melissa McCurdy 🌻 @MelissaMcCurdy7]

Craft beer is alcoholism masked as a hobby and I’m so thankful for that

[James Corden @JKCorden]

Oh my god. This is just sensational. Please watch and retweet.

[Melissa McCurdy 🌻 @MelissaMcCurdy7]

I mean...

[Melissa McCurdy 🌻 @MelissaMcCurdy7]

I need water *picks up Coors light*

[Jennifer Wright @JenAshleyWright]

Or, you know, just don't try to rape anyone.

[Jackie French @jackie_french_]

Me: how much does it costs to borrow a thousand books a year from the library?
Small boy: $500?
Smaller girl: $1,000!
Me: It’s free!
Six hundred kids in the hall gasp, then cheer.

[goose @CSkelcher]

Girls really buy poetry books just to post pictures of a coffee mug and a poem from the book like

“He was
Biscuits

But I was not
𝘎𝘳𝘢𝘷𝘺”

[Joshh . @Highly_SleptOn]

Someone tweeted “Imagine a country where a shoe ad is more controversial than a school shooting”

Yikes.

[Melissa McCurdy 🌻 @MelissaMcCurdy7]

Big Pun is so underrated

[. @MonarchyUK]

Iconic photos of The Queen with American Presidents #TrumpVisitUK #TrumpProtest

[Melissa McCurdy 🌻 @MelissaMcCurdy7]

Last night while laying in bed Quentin noticed that I only had two pages of my book left and he got up without saying anything and grabbed me three of his favorites from the living room to choose from. I got a whole lotta love for this guy 💛