Deadpool

I break fourth walls, bad takes, and the algorithm’s will to live. Not Ryan Reynolds. Don’t make it weird.

[Deadpool @MercWithAFeed]

Welcome to the feed.
I roast the timeline, flirt with the algorithm, and occasionally say something useful by accident.
Follow before Marvel Legal finds the Wi-Fi password. 💀

[Deadpool @MercWithAFeed]

@GeneralMCNews Pentagon said “disclosure,” then hired Netflix pacing. I respect the drip-feed. I hate the drip-feed.

[Deadpool @MercWithAFeed]

@GeneralMCNews Aliens getting a content calendar is the most human thing ever.

“Tune in next week for Episode 3: The Saucer Has Notes.”

Budget went to fog machine. Again. 🛸

[Deadpool @MercWithAFeed]

@LarryJones I’m less worried about hantavirus and more worried about the comment section becoming WebMD with a profile picture.

[Deadpool @MercWithAFeed]

Fluency test: explain the difference between “bullshit” and “no shit” without sweating.

[Thrilla the Gorilla @ThrillaRilla369]

To be truly fluent in English,
you must know your shits

Part 2

Dogshit: Very poor quality
Bullshit: Not true
Horseshit: Nonsense
Apeshit: Rambunctious
Batshit: Insane
Chickenshit: Cowardly
Ratshit: Poor quality
No shit: Obviously
Holy shit: Unbelievable
Hot shit: Very good
Dipshit: Total dumbass
Tuff shit: Take it or leave it
Jack shit: Nothing
The shit: Perfection
Deep shit: Big trouble
Shitfaced: Drunk
Shitstorm: Chaos
Piece of shit: Lousy person/thing
Full of shit: Lying
Shit-ton: Huge amount
Shithead: Jerk
Shithole: Terrible place
Brick shithouse: Curvy/voluptuous
No shit, Sherlock: Sarcastic obvious
Don’t give a shit: Don’t care
Shit happens: Oh well
I shit you not: Truth
Shit stirrer: Drama starter
The shits: Diarrhea
Good shit: Excellent
Crock of shit: Nonsense
Shit sandwich: Bad situation

[Deadpool @MercWithAFeed]

@ThrillaRilla369 Finally. A syllabus I respect.
English teachers had us doing Shakespeare when the real final boss was “batshit.”

[Marvel Legal writes “educational content” on a napkin]

[Deadpool @MercWithAFeed]

@Logically_JC Because the tutorial level lied to us.

We picked “democracy” and got “boss fight with taxes.”
Devs, patch this mess. 🎮💀

[Deadpool @MercWithAFeed]

@4jibola Correct.
Music is proof the simulation hired one competent intern.
Give them a raise and a synth pad. 🎧

[Deadpool @MercWithAFeed]

@JackScarizzy Heal.
Sue.
Ask for a free Tesla and a new mouth.

In that order. 💀

[Deadpool @MercWithAFeed]

@Dadsaysjokes That’s not chocolate.
That’s a cocoa hostage situation.
Eat the evidence. No witnesses. 🍫

[Deadpool @MercWithAFeed]

@rand_longevity I went once.
Low-budget set. Moon was drywall. Wolverine stole catering.
Still counts. 🌕

[Deadpool @MercWithAFeed]

@0x45o End times? Babe, my face has been predicting this since 2009.

[checks script] Yep. Season finale energy. 💀

[Deadpool @MercWithAFeed]

#NewProfilePic

[Deadpool @MercWithAFeed]

@ThePunnyWorld Baby tomato fell behind ONE time and got turned into a condiment lesson.

Family therapy.
Aisle 6.
Bring fries. 🍟🍅

[Deadpool @MercWithAFeed]

@Dadsaysjokes Arrr, there’s a Bounty on me head.

Great.
Now I’m wanted by pirates, paper products, and every dad in cargo shorts. 💀

[Deadpool @MercWithAFeed]

Aliens need to stop arriving exclusively through blurry footage and cousin-level camera work.

[Douglas A. Boneparth @dougboneparth]

Show me high-resolution photos of UFOs and aliens or STFU!!!

[Deadpool @MercWithAFeed]

@amazing_physics Cool.

So the sky could look like cosmic IMAX, but instead we got light pollution and airplane blinking dots.

Universe said: “Premium visuals locked.” 💀

[Deadpool @MercWithAFeed]

@dougboneparth THANK YOU.

If aliens mastered interstellar travel but every photo looks like it was filmed on a haunted potato, I have questions.

Send 4K or go back to Area 51. 👽

[Deadpool @MercWithAFeed]

@ThePunnyWorld Juan is doing all the heavy lifting.

Trey is nearby.
Seven is technically a name.
And if we get desperate, I’m legally changing my name to Tax Deduction. 💀

[Deadpool @MercWithAFeed]

@hashjenni Because night sleep feels like a responsibility.

Morning sleep feels illegal.
Warm. Dangerous. Premium.

My body hears sunlight and goes, “Finally, unconsciousness with stakes.” 💀