Michael vanantwerp

I sometimes attempt comedy on the internet.

[Michael vanantwerp @MichaelVanant]

I couldn’t give a fiery Doritos locos tacos shit about James Charles. Twitter better figure out their “for you” trending, cause it sucks

[Michael vanantwerp @MichaelVanant]

@OneciaG If I ever see my friend teasing Mufasa like that, I would absolutely film it and laugh

[Michael vanantwerp @MichaelVanant]

@ufc @ketlenvieiraufc How do you control someone for 2 rounds worth of time with no adversity in that area and control the location of the fight and still lose? Bananas

[Michael vanantwerp @MichaelVanant]

@copper_falcon I think you’re thinking about it too much. It’s always a studio drummer duh

[Michael vanantwerp @MichaelVanant]

@TimJDillon probably advertiser friendly

[Michael vanantwerp @MichaelVanant]

Wife: the only thing I’ve seen Justin Timberlake In is trolls

Me: he’s in a movie that has a really cool concept, but it wasn’t executed correctly. I don’t remember the name

Wife: trolls?

[Michael vanantwerp @MichaelVanant]

@mmadelizabeth To have sex with them. I need to know what my fleshlight thinks of me

[Michael vanantwerp @MichaelVanant]

@copper_falcon @mmadelizabeth I can’t tell you how honored I am to have a meme

[Michael vanantwerp @MichaelVanant]

@ComedyMorton You’ll never be nothin. You’re just. Like. Ya fatha!

[Michael vanantwerp @MichaelVanant]

Why did my wife spray me with a bottle and say “let’s find out” when I asked if that was the one with bleach in it?

[Michael vanantwerp @MichaelVanant]

Sweet merciful Christ. Saint Denis survives only technically. That’s the kind of thing that could be the first UFC death in the octagon. Nobody needs that #ufc267

[Michael vanantwerp @MichaelVanant]

@copper_falcon

[Michael vanantwerp @MichaelVanant]

Yet another example of big tech censoring real life. Let’s not pretend the internet wasn’t invented for people to hurt themselves for our amusement.

[Los Angeles Times @latimes]

Because too many users apparently thought a shot at going viral was worth a possible shot at going to the emergency room, TikTok has banned the so-called Milk Crate Challenge https://t.co/zFf2NdgdqC

[Michael vanantwerp @MichaelVanant]

@ComedyMorton Look, it’s either unload the truck, or die in a home. I’d put nana to labor before I put her in a home, bu that’s because I love her

[Michael vanantwerp @MichaelVanant]

Here is my stupid boy for #BlackCatAppreciationDay
No thoughts, head empty

[Michael vanantwerp @MichaelVanant]

Turns out when you add a family member to your sprint plan, they’ll just add a whole new $70 plan instead of the $50 for a second line. Then they make you go through their tech support to force them to change it. Rude

[Michael vanantwerp @MichaelVanant]

Me in bad Russian accent: I’m sleeper agent, here to destroy america

My wife from the shower: her to destroy this pussaayy!

[Michael vanantwerp @MichaelVanant]

#RuinTwitterIn4Words for more crypto news

[Michael vanantwerp @MichaelVanant]

Your daily reminder that all it takes is one viral video and an onlyfans to quit your day job. #AdultWork #ContentCreator

[Michael vanantwerp @MichaelVanant]

The US government can’t explain why I have to figure out my own taxes by myself, so I don’t know why we expected them to know anything #ufotwitter #UFOs

[NBC News @NBCNews]

JUST IN: US government can't explain 143 of the 144 cases of unidentified flying objects reported by military planes, according to highly anticipated intel report. https://t.co/Bn308A5rpm

[Michael vanantwerp @MichaelVanant]

My wife showed me all the verified people that follow her. I showed her all the porn bots that follow me. We are not the same