probably not a whale

honestly man does anyone ever know what's happening

[probably not a whale @Midnightwhale__]

THIS IS WHY PEOPLE SUCK

[jonny sun @jonnysun]

*puts down textbook* ugh i hate reading
*opens twiter* wowe actualy i love reading

[probably not a whale @Midnightwhale__]

me, explaining colors to blind guy: blue? like blueberries n shit? o wait u don't know what blueberries look like. fuck this ur on ur own.

[eric curtin @dubstep4dads]

ME: hey is that a banana in your pocket or-
FRIEND: what the fuck.
ME: im sorry it-
FRIEND: my dad literally just died
ME:
FRIEND: of banana

[probably not a whale @Midnightwhale__]

if it's a hell hound it means i'm in hell and THAT means i haven't pet enough dogs in my lifetime @Donkey_Broke

[probably not a whale @Midnightwhale__]

i'm 100% sure there will never be a point in my life where if i see a dog i won't pet it

[probably not a whale @Midnightwhale__]

boss: why should i hire u
me: i've had s*x before
boss: did u just say s asterisk x
me: u bet ur ass i did
boss: ur fuckin hired

[probably not a whale @Midnightwhale__]

@IRLPepperMD 10/10

[Cat Damon @CornOnTheGoblin]

interviewer: under strengths AND weaknesses you wrote 'multitasking'
me: [while masturbating] it's more of a curse at times

[eric curtin @dubstep4dads]

[doesnt go out on a Friday night one time] I'm so focused. 2016 is my year. grind all day

[Cat Damon @CornOnTheGoblin]

whoever hid this football in the tree put bees in it

[Dan Duvall @DanDuvallComedy]

*at a high school assembly*

Hi I'm here to talk to you about bullying but first check out Jeff in the front row nice shirt Jeff you bitch

[Sage Boggs @sageboggs]

Ted Cruz is the kid in school who would remind the teacher there was homework due

[probably not a whale @Midnightwhale__]

@Justine21golden @JaykeKubler :^)

[probably not a whale @Midnightwhale__]

me as a veterinarian again: hey what's that lizard doing here dogs only
guy: but that sign says all anim-
me: dogs only you fuckhead get out

[probably not a whale @Midnightwhale__]

me as a veterinarian: omg another dog can i hold him pls
guy: i think he has like the equivalent of AIDS in dogs
me: but he's soooooo cute

[tara shoe @tarashoe]

boss: where do you see yourself in 5 years
me: here
boss: excellent
me: but DEAD