Michael

[Todd 'Papi' Carlos @TheToddWilliams]

[blind date]

HER: I'm a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?

[Michael @Mikey_Rav]

@rawlerton Hahaha dude that’s fucked

[Brooks Otterlake @i_zzzzzz]

In the pyrite community we refer to gold as "fool's pyrite"

[Michael @Mikey_Rav]

Banana bread at work dude? hell yeah

[Michael @Mikey_Rav]

Someone needs to invent a prescription phone screen so I can miserably scroll thru twitter lying comfortably on my side

[Michael @Mikey_Rav]

it’s only a matter of time before trump pardons joe exotic

[Michael @Mikey_Rav]

suspicious quotation marks

[Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump]

Just reported that the United States has done far more “testing” than any other nation, by far! In fact, over an eight day span, the United States now does more testing than what South Korea (which has been a very successful tester) does over an eight week span. Great job!

[Michael @Mikey_Rav]

sick bracket

[Howard Mortman @HowardMortman]

#coronavirus chart

[Michael @Mikey_Rav]

Bloomberg spent $500 million to not be president. I spent $0 with the same result. Who’s the better businessman now?

[jo @whatsJo]

me, as a child: you must love cooking

lunch lady: *hands me a tray* nope

me: you must love kids then

lunch lady: *ashes her cig in my mashed potatoes* nope

[Michael @Mikey_Rav]

Pretty sure I saw verlander deflating the balls before the game #Game6

[The Onion @TheOnion]

New Regulation Requires All Protected Species To Be Actively Looking For New Habitat In Order To Receive Funding https://t.co/Iedp5bQnXZ

[Michael @Mikey_Rav]

I didn’t even know the NFL had a beer. Sure, I’ll have a draft

[Michael @Mikey_Rav]

If you die in Canada you die in real life

[Steve vs. Ninjas @stevevsninjas]

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

[Andrew Nadeau @TheAndrewNadeau]

Hi, welcome to Chuck E. Cheese. Everything is visibly dirty and our mascot is a rat, eat some pizza near a sneezing child.