Unemployed Astronaut

The world is made up of two classes - the Tiny Househunters and the Tiny Househuntees.

[Unemployed Astronaut @MilfParade]

Nick Cave is basically just Dark Neil Diamond, right?

[Unemployed Astronaut @MilfParade]

Probably gonna take a brief hiatus from social media - just saw somebody complain that the democrats have for too long been “held hostage by the far left wing of the party” and my eyeballs caught on fire - but you can find me (and Rosie) on https://t.co/W8zX5oIfIo

[Unemployed Astronaut @MilfParade]

I got a bagel melt instead, which is admittedly pretty good but I don’t think I look half as cool

[Unemployed Astronaut @MilfParade]

Maybe I will start smoking again

[Unemployed Astronaut @MilfParade]

Rosie was a very popular ‘50s style gal, and my pumpkin was a lazily drawn on goofy bug face, and we gave out so much candy to so many adorable little ghoulies and gerblins. Happy Halloween to all those who partake 🖤🎃👻

[Unemployed Astronaut @MilfParade]

@humblecore I’m with you on one and four, but I fear most of my personality is somewhat reliant on those other things 😞 And, criminally, almost nobody asks my opinion on those things I *am* very opinionated about, like let me shine for once

[Unemployed Astronaut @MilfParade]

This place is hell but just for today maybe it could be a little less hellish if you all would just post pictures of your children/animules in cute costumes

[Travis @bakesale77]

Oh shit one got out

[Unemployed Astronaut @MilfParade]

@craig_rangoon @Kyjuu_ Anyone who says “hate to be that guy” LOVES being that guy so much

[Unemployed Astronaut @MilfParade]

Literally why look at anything else

[Cincinnati Zoo @CincinnatiZoo]

Happy National Pumpkin Day! 🎃🧡🎃

[Unemployed Astronaut @MilfParade]

Fuckin…wow

[Unemployed Astronaut @MilfParade]

We just watched IT’S WHAT’S INSIDE and I realize this is a very “I should make the Torment Nexus” thought but I would be so totally unbeatable at playing It’s What’s Inside, the game from IT’S WHAT’S INSIDE

[Unemployed Astronaut @MilfParade]

Rosie fully disassociating because I briefly stopped petting her

[Unemployed Astronaut @MilfParade]

At the stage of grief where I say things like “wow, that must be so great for Cleveland fans” and not “why the fuck should they get to be happy”

[Unemployed Astronaut @MilfParade]

Remember when the dumb trucks’ trunks were cleanly, calmly shearing carrots in half? Anyway,

[Unemployed Astronaut @MilfParade]

For decades, humanity has wondered: “What if Amelia Bedelia was an ED-209?”

[Pop Base @PopBase]

Elon Musk unveils Tesla’s Optimus robots:

“It can be a teacher, babysit your kids, walk your dog […] Whatever you can think of”

[Unemployed Astronaut @MilfParade]

I bought a pair of pants and Amazon determined that I might wanna be on cholesterol medication. Amazon knows nothing about my health. I have never used their pharmacy, I don’t buy food from them. They just know my pant size. I am going to lose my goddamn mind

[Rob Wesley @eastwes]

See, the thing with sports is: they're real and they matter and you have to care about them, you have to. You have to invest all of your heart in them and they will never let you down.

[Unemployed Astronaut @MilfParade]

I got too much cholesterol for this

[Unemployed Astronaut @MilfParade]

@humblecore I love all my beefy sons

[Unemployed Astronaut @MilfParade]

@hoagie_fun Honestly the first time I heard that in an ad I was like “ok as a rhetorical flourish that was a good pitch” even as I was also like “this is poisonous hatred”

[Unemployed Astronaut @MilfParade]

It’s pretty fucked up that one of the times we are forced to watch TV with commercials is the MLB playoffs in an election year. I would rather see one thousand dogshit T-Mobile commercials than any one of these hateful GOP ads