Ian Moeckel

[Ian Moeckel @MoeckelTime]

Why don’t they call pup veterinarians “dogtors”? It’s not fair that they don’t.

[Ian Moeckel @MoeckelTime]

I have small hands. When I extend for a shake, people go cross-eyed, like they’ve put on someone else’s glasses. Their brains are desperately readjusting the zoom settings. But it’s true: I couldn’t palm a walnut.

[Ian Moeckel @MoeckelTime]

For #selfCare I just spent an hour researching/calculating the probability that the skunk who waddled past my Thinking Tree yesterday evening was the same one I almost bumped into at a nearby soccer field while watching lightning storm in July. Only 31% sadly

[Ian Moeckel @MoeckelTime]

Me: *holds head in hands* Why am I like this? Why am I so bad?... Roommate: It’s okay, man. You can’t talk to yourself like that… Me: I know—who would talk to themselves like this, except a SHITTY IDIOT?… *both return to playing Fall Guys*

[Ian Moeckel @MoeckelTime]

1. Check Southwest boarding pass 2. See “B43” 3. Slowly begin to panic 4. Start screaming over and over, JUST HOW WIDE IS THIS PLANE?? while assaulting check-in clerk with ergonomic horseshoe neck pillow

[Ian Moeckel @MoeckelTime]

no. I won’t do it. I REFuse to tell the barista they’re out of toilet paper. She’ll know I have to wipe my ass. She’ll know that I shit. I don’t think so muchacho. That goes with me to the grave

[Ian Moeckel @MoeckelTime]

Hello, everybody. Please listen to this dope 80s-themed thingy my friends and i made. https://t.co/cN6SSalNfT.

[Ian Moeckel @MoeckelTime]

What r u supposed to do when petting a friends cat and a clump of hair comes off in your hand? cast into wind? Dirty looks. Like, am i just supposed to put it in my pocket? That’ll look like I’m secretly collecting it for some sort of weird homemade doll of their cat. which i am

[Ian Moeckel @MoeckelTime]

The fork in the McDonald’s drive-thru line at 8am is where human decency goes to die.

[Ian Moeckel @MoeckelTime]

The words “professional development” are the biggest boner-killer in the English language.

[John Mulaney @mulaney]

...And stay out!

[Ian Moeckel @MoeckelTime]

Wherever you go, there you are.

[Ian Moeckel @MoeckelTime]

Has anyone under the age of 50 actually said the word "hoax"? Will I start saying it when I'm 50? Will You? ... something to think about.

[Ian Moeckel @MoeckelTime]

#putinspuppy

[Ian Moeckel @MoeckelTime]

Just when you think you're being safe a sweaty hamster-looking 12yr-old busts in your office building and paws at the only bottle filling station so he can lick at the nozzle and return to his skateboard, nourished, ready for more kickflips.

[Nicole Kraft @Nicole_Kraft]

This. Is. Unacceptable. @ColumbusPolice @MayorGinther

[Ian Moeckel @MoeckelTime]

That moment you spell "indefatigable" right on the first try. 👨🏼‍🔬 #englishteacher #wordboner

[Mike Birbiglia @birbigs]

RT if you "care at all" about Donald's taxes.

[Patton Oswalt @pattonoswalt]

I won't stop. I'll work twice as hard now. All of us will. You'll see. https://t.co/qxIbq2nwjX

[Patton Oswalt @pattonoswalt]

Hold your loved ones close tonight. Let 'em feel it. Get some sleep. Back at it tomorrow. Love has a longer wick than hate & fear.