MomumentalFailure

Just your ordinary, everyday exhausted woman. Momming. Wife business. Dog appreciation. Kids saying darned funny stuff. Chronic illness & whatnot.

[MomumentalFailure @MomumentalF]

Petition for @EdwardRedmayne to play Henry Tilney in the next adaptation of Jane Austen’s “Northanger Abbey.”
I need to see that man discuss muslin immediately!
Immediately.

[MomumentalFailure @MomumentalF]

3 likes to play an app in which you catch fairies.
It’s not enough to tap the screen though.
She full on karate chops. Toes tapping. Elbows. Nose.
Nobody even told me these were touch screen options?
Like, such innovation.
Visionary.
Karate chop!

[MomumentalFailure @MomumentalF]

Started Konmari folding 6 mos. ago (expecting to quit in a wk).
A) it really is mildly life-changing.
B) unprepared for Husband’s deep appreciation for the simple beauty of an organized dresser. He sees me fold shirts & whispers in awe, “So beautiful.”
Feel unwarranted power.

[MomumentalFailure @MomumentalF]

Two guys outside Winco [in deep southern accents]:
Guy 1: “Man, that’s bigger than the pile of dog doo in ma yard!”
Guy2: “Noooo way! Nothin’ doin’, man. Nothin’ doin’.”

Blessed to be a part of this conversation. Just. Blessed.

[MomumentalFailure @MomumentalF]

My cognitive function is so impaired (chronic illness nonsense) that I forgot I shared a comic I loved. So scrolling through IG I saw the comic and:
“Oh boy! I love that one!
Then “liked” it, only to realize...it was my post. I shared that.
Incredulity ensued.
🤦🏼‍♀️

[MomumentalFailure @MomumentalF]

Valid question. #disruptingdisbelief

[MomumentalFailure @MomumentalF]

Escalade barreling down on ya as you’re in the crosswalk w/ right-of-way, while using a walker b/c you’re only half ambulatory is a *mood* in the chronic illness & disability community.
Sure, don’t stop lady. I will look you dead in the eyes as you bear down on my disabled ass.

[MomumentalFailure @MomumentalF]

[a conversation about our dog, as it happened between two young lads]

B: If Bogie went on top of Roo, he could make her have a little baby dog!
A: Actually, Bo got his tonsils out so he doesn't have tadpoles to make babies anymore.

[MomumentalFailure @MomumentalF]

You may be a mom if:
You’re wandering around turning off light switches with high-kick toes, elbows, your chin, etc because your hands are full of other people’s stuff and a cup of lukewarm coffee.

[MomumentalFailure @MomumentalF]

I went to pin a cute dog photo (90% of my Pinterest experience, tbh) and it popped up “Sorry! We had to block this content.”
And my actual genuine thought was, “This is DEVASTATING news.”
I was, truly, *devastated* by a lost dog opportunity.
That’s all you need to know about me.

[MomumentalFailure @MomumentalF]

For the first time ever in my life, my biceps (not my broad shoulders) are the reason a jacket does not fit me.
I’m sad because it’s a CUTE jacket.
But I’m happy because, BICEPS.
I feel like an Amazon a leeeetle bit. 👌🏼

[MomumentalFailure @MomumentalF]

@ShellHasDragons I cannot promise funny. I can promise less than 500 followers (that won’t *ever* be an issue). And I can promise no actual politics. The biggest political stand I took this year was proclaiming on FB that I hate pumpkin spice...because I’m a mutineer, obviously.

[MomumentalFailure @MomumentalF]

What does it say about me that I clicked on a Land’s End ad solely because the words “elastic waist pants” piqued my interest?
I think this is middle age, you guys.

[MomumentalFailure @MomumentalF]

Imma just put it out there that I’ve learned more from @drunkhistory than I ever learned from a text book or teacher.
We won freaking Cranium because of Derek Waters & Co!
If that ain’t what this country should be about, y’all.

[MomumentalFailure @MomumentalF]

I was going to attend The Responsible Adult Activity, but my dog made sad eyes and now I’m staying home indefinitely.

[MomumentalFailure @MomumentalF]

3 just walked past a mirror and gasped, “Oh my goodness! I am so BEAUTIFUL!”
That’s the level of confidence I’m about this year.
Girl, get it! 💖

[MomumentalFailure @MomumentalF]

When I took up biking (in my basement, sans spandex) I told my Hubs I wanted legs strong enough to crush a melon. Or a man’s skull. Like my queen, @serenawilliams 👑
Today, I accidentally popped off a screw on-lid to a jar I was holding between my legs.
My time draws nigh. 🏋🏼‍♀️

[MomumentalFailure @MomumentalF]

3: Mom? I’m going to kiss you for loving you.
*smooch*
3: That was for love.
Me: 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

[MomumentalFailure @MomumentalF]

I just found out 3 calls❓ a “mystery” (spoken spookily).
I have never been more in love than I am at this moment.

[MomumentalFailure @MomumentalF]

3 is currently arguing with herself on a level with Sméagol & Gollum.
I’m sitting here ruminating on the fact that it’s not even the craziest thing she’s done today.
Kids, amiright?