Lucas Xavier

Status updates of my actual cousin. He went to private school for 13 years. He knows who his father is because he still lives in his basement. Why's he so hood?

[Luké Fiasco @LukeXCunningham]

BET Movie: JuRAPsic Park

Dead rappers' DNA used to recreate them in a private Costa Rican park. Power goes out then Big Pun eats a fence!

[Luké Fiasco @LukeXCunningham]

Wasn't really worried about the U.S. economy until I went to the White House and they were using a pile of Chipotle napkins as toilet paper.

[Luké Fiasco @LukeXCunningham]

If bad breath could manifest itself in to the physical universe it would look like everything at Quiznos.

[Luké Fiasco @LukeXCunningham]

Any text sent after midnight on a Saturday should read, "Mind if I come over and use your genitals for a while?"

[Lucas Xavier @MyWiggerCousin]

I dont know the difference between midgets and dwarves, I just hope they work things out before an adorable war.

[Lucas Xavier @MyWiggerCousin]

Guys, don't be mean. Los Angeles only acts like that because of low self-esteem.

[Lucas Xavier @MyWiggerCousin]

My first night as a California resident and I just ate at Chipotle. How do I make the emoticon for shame-face?

[Lucas Xavier @MyWiggerCousin]

Anyone who says Martina Navaritalova is the greatest lesbian athlete has never laid eyes on Troy Aikman.

[Lucas Xavier @MyWiggerCousin]

@puddinstrip Season will end in wistful memories. But only for middle-aged white guys. #baseballpredictions

[Lucas Xavier @MyWiggerCousin]

@ChelseaVPeretti yes and yes.

[Lucas Xavier @MyWiggerCousin]

Anybody else's bellybuttons been smelling really weird lately? #2012

[Lucas Xavier @MyWiggerCousin]

Like Otter For Chocolate #ottermovies

[Lucas Xavier @MyWiggerCousin]

MSNBC is like open mic news.

[Lucas Xavier @MyWiggerCousin]

I dont know the differences between midgets and dwarves, I just hope they work things out before an adorable war.

[Lucas Xavier @MyWiggerCousin]

A pedometer is a great way to keep track of how many child molesters you pass on a casual stroll.

[Lucas Xavier @MyWiggerCousin]

During Goldman Sachs new hire training, they require you to make a dour Indian Chief cry. #NewYorkFolklore

[Matt Oswalt @MattOswaltVA]

No. #MissMisery

[Lucas Xavier @MyWiggerCousin]

Meatloaf had to change his name for show business. It used to be Meatberg.

[Lucas Xavier @MyWiggerCousin]

A 3 wheeled motorcycle is a great way to let others know you're not interested in having anyone else touch your genitals.

[Chelsea Peretti @chelseaperetti]

Just got to Austin, TX. Can't wait to dig up some old Gwyneth Paltrow records, chug sweet tea, and dance #america