NeuralJam

[Andrew Michaan @AndrewMichaan]

I'll never be ready for motherhood.

[donni saphire @donni]

*watches dick crumble into dust*
Dammit

[g😎th bar security guard @YWIR]

I wanna ride a rocket ship to the nearest booty but i do not have my astronaut license yet :(

[donni saphire @donni]

Hope the other planets don't know Earth has pies

[g😎th bar security guard @YWIR]

Hi. I left a taco here yesterday and I was wondering if... OMG YOU HAVE IT! Ok, thank you so much *munch munch munch*

[g😎th bar security guard @YWIR]

Learning to talk eel wasn't so hard. Now they don't bite me so much and I get to see lots of cool caves and underwater babies. It's fun.

[Snorklhuahua @weinerdog4life]

goodnight honey, there's no monsters in your room, just kidding, so many monsters, I'm getting the fuck out of this monster room. night

[Shakti Shetty @Shakti_Shetty]

Learn something from gravity. Never give up.

[Melvin of York @MelvinofYork]

I hear the human mouth is actually dirtier than a dog's, yet I'm still willing to let you put yours on my penis. THAT'S how much I love you.

[donni saphire @donni]

Sometimes I don't wear a coat in the winter just to prove I'm optimistic

[NeuralJam @NeuralJam]

The moonlight is my goon light.

[win ben stein's;gate @weedhitter]

cars aren't real

[g😎th bar security guard @YWIR]

Oh man, whoever taught this snake to play the xylophone is a genius. What? It taught itself!? (snake bites guy) Bravo, sir. I'm dying now!

[NeuralJam @NeuralJam]

Never got gypped by a gypsie. Lies abound in the English language.

[g😎th bar security guard @YWIR]

(comes home from work) Hey! Where's my internet? (internet jumps out from behind couch) BOO! Oh goodness, Internet, you scared me!

[The Dude @TheFirstDudish]

I hate when I'm on a conference call and someone starts imitating Darth Vader and it drowns out my hilarious fart noises.

[NeuralJam @NeuralJam]

Drinking the traditional potato juice. Makes my brain feel warm n fuzzy.

[Trevor Lawrence @NandoGainz]

Someone call the police...gas station out here raping people's pockets

[g😎th bar security guard @YWIR]

We now return you to your movie, The Racist Bacon, the story of a sentient piece of bacon in 1950, already in progress.

[Shane @shanethevein]

I wish my marriage was arranged. This way, I wouldn't have to take the blame.

I already hate my parents anyways.