The Dude

When I grow up I want to be left alone.

[The Dude @TheFirstDudish]

If my calculations are correct, in a few years I'll still be doing nothing with my life.

[Dudish @TheRealDudish]

The best life choice I ever made was to always take responsibility and never put the blame on others, no matter what. This decision changed my life, literally. One day, I got a huge promotion offer at work. Which I rejected respectfully, only to start my own business.

[Dudish @TheRealDudish]

- Mom, what is a lesbian?
- I'm busy, sweetie. Go ask Mom.

[Dudish @TheRealDudish]

I didn't say you're being over dramatic. I just asked if you could turn down the violins in the background.

[Dudish @TheRealDudish]

Me: Did you lock the front door?
Her: Yes. Is that why you woke me up?
Me: Sorry, but it's starting to get chilly outside.

[Dudish @TheRealDudish]

A good relationship is when you both share the same taste in porn.

[Dudish @TheRealDudish]

You know you're in love when you don't mind losing hours of sleep just so you have more time to spend with her.

[Dudish @TheRealDudish]

That phase in life when you realize that's life and it's not a phase.

[Dudish @TheRealDudish]

I don't suffer from a shortage of sleep, just an excess of being awake.

[Dudish @TheRealDudish]

People who stare at me picking my nose in the car, you are disgusting.

[Dudish @TheRealDudish]

Thanks to feminism, women are now strong, determined, and independent. They can pursue their preferred careers, make more money, achieve their life goals, and die alone.

[Dudish @TheRealDudish]

I wonder if, on the last day of Burning Man, they also burn all the clichés that were sold there to everyone.

[Dudish @TheRealDudish]

The future is always pinker on the other side.

[Dudish @TheRealDudish]

Unlike women, men don't miss their childhood, because mentally they're still there.

[Dudish @TheRealDudish]

The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked "Are you going to pick this up?" I picked it up and replied to her "I have no choice, this is my food", and I walked away.

[Dudish @TheRealDudish]

So many fights could be avoided if women realized that men don't ignore dirt. They just don't see it.

[Dudish @TheRealDudish]

What app do I need to remove from my iPhone so it stops receiving calls?

[Dudish @TheRealDudish]

I just sneezed so hard that one of my lungs landed on the table, curled up, and said, "I'm staying here until you apologize."

[Dudish @TheRealDudish]

Most people are stuck in the past because the future is unknown and the present is depressing.

[Dudish @TheRealDudish]

The human body contains 70% water and 30% useless information.

[Dudish @TheRealDudish]

Life is too short. Be sure you're making the right mistakes.