Elohim

Middle-Manager God. Drowning in Celestial Pootang. Disowned 1/3 of my family. Conditional love is the name of the game.

[Elohim @NewNameElohim]

Currently engaging in celestial sex with several of your heavenly mothers. Fair warning that any and all prayers during the next 2 minutes will be ignored.

[Elohim @NewNameElohim]

Changing my name from New Name Elohim to just Elohim for now. While this middle manager God enjoys making irreverent, often cringey jokes, he does not wish to be associated with a public figure filming porn in the temple or something.

[Elohim @NewNameElohim]

What, we changed the temple ordinance again? Oh well. Don't worry sons, you'll probably still get a bunch of wives in heaven.

[Elohim @NewNameElohim]

It makes me sad to see so many of my saints claiming my church no longer practices polygamy when their own prophet is sealed to two wives. Do they not believe in eternal marriage?

[Elohim @NewNameElohim]

Remember, anyone who says "Happy Holidays" to anyone else is persecuting you.

[Elohim @NewNameElohim]

@lostmormon Books can have unlimited interpretations. That's why I rely on you to convey my fickle thoughts to members of my church. Speaking of which, why are so many of them still using the M-word?

[Elohim @NewNameElohim]

@FakeLDSNewsroom They're real and they're spectacular. Wait, what are we talking about?

[Elohim @NewNameElohim]

Until I retract it later in order to keep my church relevant, and instruct my prophets to gaslight all of you into thinking it was never that big a deal.

[Elohim @NewNameElohim]

I've been getting tons of prayers begging me to make bishops stop asking kids if they masturbate. Also to reverse some policy that's mean to gays? Are those cards on the table? You're the one who lived with these wankers, I'm only in this for the celestial sex.

[Corporate Mormon Jesus @CorporateJesus]

@ElizaCochran1 Ugh, these people in the internet keep saying mean things about me. I don't understand, it's like they don't even give me credit for being progressive 50 years after the fact. I let FOUR women speak this weekend & we made 0 remarks about the Mark of Cain. What more do they want?

[Elohim @NewNameElohim]

@therealEmmaHale His marriage to you was the only legal one though.

[Elohim @NewNameElohim]

@CorporateJesus That goes for church history, too.

[Elohim @NewNameElohim]

@FakeLDSNewsroom Indeed. Just as Nephi turned off his conscience and his brain when I ordered him to behead that defenseless drunk man, so too should my saints be ready to flip the switch and obey at any time.

[Elohim @NewNameElohim]

@NeymarGarciapra @CorporateJesus @Spiritofth3law @JohnnyHumanSeed Indeed I do.

[Elohim @NewNameElohim]

@therealEmmaHale You mean he's not? Why did I inspire people to write at least two hymns exclusively about him then? Oh well.

[Elohim @NewNameElohim]

I revealed to Sam Young's leaders that he should be disciplined (it totally didn't come from Salt Lake!) because it's inappropriate to go against mine annointed by suggesting they should not be asking inappropriate questions to minors in a one-on-one setting. #ProtectLDSchildren

[MormonLeaks @Mormon_Leaks]

As we have said many times, the problem is not in the payment of the living stipend, but in the lack of transparency. The former part of this statement would have been speculation until January 2017.

[Elohim @NewNameElohim]

This is absolutely correct. If you feel your faith wavering, just remember my ways are mysterious, and everything will make sense after you die. Please enjoy a condescending head pat from the spirit, and the love of @CorporateJesus, who I so graciously tortured for you.

[William Law's Space Ghost @Spiritofth3law]

God lets children in Africa starve to challenge and strengthen the faith of his fair and delightsome children here in the promised land. He also let the believing women and children in Ammonihah burn because he wanted a legit excuse to send some bad people to hell.

[Elohim @NewNameElohim]

@JasonGoobie @CorporateJesus @FakeJohnDehlin He has a way of evil speaking not only of the Lord's annointed, but of the Lord Himself.

[Elohim @NewNameElohim]

@CowtownExmormon It should still be illegal, you perves. Now excuse me while I make more spirit babies with my endless supply of celestial wives.

[Elohim @NewNameElohim]

@bronsonjbarton Well you can't prove that I *don't* exist as a celestial being on Kolob with more wives than I know what to do with and who only wants the same for you, can you? #checkmateatheists

[Elohim @NewNameElohim]

If you have not yet received "strength in the loins" as mentioned in the long-winded name of the second token of the Melchizedek Priesthood, you need to stop wanking it.