Nigel Mustard (BSc)

The Master Wordbender. Author of the 'Frank Stoker' parody thriller series.

Middle aged cuckold (to Postman).

Married (Separated - see above).

[Nigel Mustard (BSc) @NigelMustard]

Due to an administrative oversight I have a crate containing 11,000 swastika-emblazoned mousemats in my garage. Looking for a quick sale but will consider selling individually. Great for the office (after simple Sharpie rebrand) or just for racists.

[Nigel Mustard (BSc) @NigelMustard]

@DraftFantasy No apology... Just 'not to worry'. You guys are unbelievable

[Nigel Mustard (BSc) @NigelMustard]

@DraftFantasy @stuartyoung90 It matters because he is a customer using your product.

[Nigel Mustard (BSc) @NigelMustard]

@DraftFantasy @DraftFantasy hello? Anyone home?

[Nigel Mustard (BSc) @NigelMustard]

@DraftFantasy hey guys can't help noticing you have omitted 'Marvellous' Mo Barrow from the available players list. Can this be fixed please

[Nigel Mustard (BSc) @NigelMustard]

I just heard my neighbour call my dog a 'dickhead'. Is this a hate crime?

[Nigel Mustard (BSc) @NigelMustard]

My Action Parody Masterpiece 'Fist First' free for 5 days on the Kindle Store. https://t.co/3b3pKGwPbN [CAUTION: Full Frontal Nudity]

[Nigel Mustard (BSc) @NigelMustard]

Swift execution for anyone who sneezes more than twice in a row and we'd soon find out how many of these wimps "just can't help it, sorry"

[Nigel Mustard (BSc) @NigelMustard]

@Jbeardmore I've lost my bloody tape measure I think it's fallen in the well again. How long is a metre?

[Nigel Mustard (BSc) @NigelMustard]

@RugbyPodcast @bathbrighton negotiations are ongoing with Daniel Day-Lewis's people. Thank you for reading. #goodbook #goodwriter #good

[djh @bathbrighton]

@RugbyPodcast finished your recommendation 'fist first'. genius book. Jaques burger to play frank stoker in the movie? #tuffscreen

[Nigel Mustard (BSc) @NigelMustard]

I am engorged with adrenaline! I haven't felt this energised since I beat @NoelEdmonds in a 60m dash at Centreparcs Sherwood Forest in 1992

[Nigel Mustard (BSc) @NigelMustard]

World weary chief: "Dammit McKowski I told you to bring him in, not start World War Damn Three."

McKowski shrugs.

#copscenes

[Nigel Mustard (BSc) @NigelMustard]

@cocker @Jbeardmore a grunt officer uncovers key evidence overlooked by lawyers whilst thumbing through court documents at 3am #copscenes

[Nigel Mustard (BSc) @NigelMustard]

@cocker @Jbeardmore a fat middle aged cop who hasn't fired a bullet in ten years since he killed a civilian is reluctantly called into duty

[Nigel Mustard (BSc) @NigelMustard]

@cocker @Jbeardmore the cops turn to a whizz kid to hack into the FBI which he does in three minutes using windows XP #copscenes

[Dan Jones @thebigdanjones]

@RugbyPodcast @NigelMustard only one thing to do when @the_andyjones refuses to have that first holiday beer at 6am

[Wonderush @Wonderush]

Want to try new things in London? Join today and get your first month for £1! Use BEATFOMO and #saynotoFOMO together http://t.co/Cfn0lckXRu

[Nigel Mustard (BSc) @NigelMustard]

My Action Parody Masterpiece 'Fist First' free for another two days on the Kindle Store. http://t.co/3b3pKGwPbN

[Nigel Mustard (BSc) @NigelMustard]

My Action Parody Masterpiece 'Fist First' free for another three days on the Kindle Store. http://t.co/3b3pKGwPbN