al

i pride myself on my idiocy

[al @NoOneLikesAl]

my job in life is to humble men and fumble women

[al @NoOneLikesAl]

tampons are girl blunts

[al @NoOneLikesAl]

i am going to forcibly feminize jesse eisenberg.

[al @NoOneLikesAl]

“we all have voices in our head and you’re mine” -ella @ me

[al @NoOneLikesAl]

“people like YOU are the reason that meghan trainor wrote all about that bass”

[al @NoOneLikesAl]

flair? more like dula peep

[al @NoOneLikesAl]

“facetime calls are my rosetta stone” -mariel

[The Cinegogue @TheCinegogue]

me when people sing me happy birthday.

[Thomas White @len0killer]

Am I scared of microplastics? I don’t know. Does the archer fear his bow? Or does he kiss each arrow goodbye as it marries the wind

[charlie @chunkbardey]

sometimes u tell ppl ur life is falling apart and they’re like “i know me too i haven’t gotten my knives sharpened in foreverrrr” and ur like hmm i think we mean different things

[ppigg @s4m31p4n]

Her: are you fucking stupid
Me:

[al @NoOneLikesAl]

my girlfriend 💝🙌

[🐈‍⬛ @Cyb4rAnGeL]

Girls be like “literally mee” and its just a pic of a sleeping cat like.. yes babe as u should that really is u💕

[soul nate @MNateShyamalan]

the homies and i are out on the town, simply radiating joie de vivre. our haters are howling, gnashing their teeth like animals

[al @NoOneLikesAl]

giving someone maggots is worse than giving them an STD

[dash @thedigitaldash_]

not dating to marry, not dating to break up, but a secret third thing (dating to enjoy being with a person you’re compatible with for as long as you both enjoy each other, no matter if that’s months or years or the rest of your lives)

[rivkah reyes 🍉 @rivkahreyes]

i said “girl dinner” while going down on my partner and she didn’t laugh should we call off the wedding