Josh is not a Bot

''VEGAS BABY!''

- Douchebag tourists

[Josh is not a Bot @NorrisCell]

I'm coining a new term.

"Ratio politician"

It's a politician who says so much dumb shit on here, the ratio on all of their tweets forces them into everyone's feed

[Manny O’Kelly @harshm1stress]

@cudchewerchad @dr_andrealove no link there, just mental illness

[🦥Sloth Revenant @revenant224]

@esjesjesj @SpaghettiKozak

[Jason, ex Inferis @benedictsred]

Me, whispering to Starbucks employee: Someone took a large…sorry…a venti poop on the floor.

[e l l a 🇨🇦 @blondehotcoffee]

commenting “nightmare blunt rotation” on everyone’s family christmas photos

[taco belle @animalologist]

If you start finding somebody hot bc you spend 40 hours a week with them you should date them and if you still like them and find them hot after a few months of that you should marry them.

[Ron Iver @ronnui_]

Me: What's that thing I don't understand?

Friend: Iambic pentameter

Me: Yeah but the other thing

Friend: Jellyfish

Me: Yeah what the hell

[shen the bird @Shen_the_Bird]

me: [walking up to other table] oh my god i’m such a fan. can i take a photo with you

swedish chef in completely normal voice: listen man i’m with my kids right now

[Jenna SaysQuoi @jennasaysquoi]

fuck the niña, marry the pinta, kill the santa maria

[Kip Conlon @kipconlon]

At Chef Boyardee, we begin by using only the freshest Thiamine Mononitrate and finest Xanthan Gum.

[𝙶 𝚘 𝚕 𝚍 𝚒 𝚖 𝚘 𝚌 𝚔 𝚜 @goldimocks]

Friend: wyd

Me: watching the Idiocracy prequel

Friend: that looks like the news

Me: yeah

[SuperTrucker 🚛💨→💻 @supertrucker]

@RepMikeCollins Gm

[John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets]

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Snoop around in their medicine cabinet for clues.

[death angel @angel_0f_deathx]

can’t wait for this election to be over so we can all go back to being annoying in other ways

[Rob DenBleyker @RobDenBleyker]

they're stealing the geese in Ohio. don't believe me? take a gander for yourself

[Larry’s Twin 99 @LarrysTwin99]

Wearing my ‘It’s not gonna suck itself’ T-shirt at the vacuum cleaner convention.

[𝙶 𝚘 𝚕 𝚍 𝚒 𝚖 𝚘 𝚌 𝚔 𝚜 @goldimocks]

Gotta turn up the subtitles so I can read louder

[kim @KimmyMonte]

i hate when parents post back to school pics & say “watch out, world! Chase is off to Kindergarten!!” like what do we need to watch out for? he’s 5. fuck that kid.

[tanya @Tanya_Sabrinaaa]

i'm so bummed to be single. how will i ever find another guy who brings absolutely nothing to the table

[𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝘀. @im_all_id]

A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants

[Dubzy @DubzyOnceAgain]

*fiancé just standing at the sink*

me to her ass: