Not Brian Niccol

I am not Brian Niccol, the CEO of Chipotle, former CEO of Taco Bell. Parody.

[Not Brian Niccol @NotBrianNiccol]

.@ChipotleJobs Hi Chipotle team! Not sure whose job this would be, but can someone please pay the $8 to get me an official blue check mark? I need to make sure no one tries to parody me.

[Not Brian Niccol @NotBrianNiccol]

@JasonRash @ChipotleTweets Sorry you heard that. I need to watch my language when I’m doing restaurant visits.

[Not Brian Niccol @NotBrianNiccol]

Anyone who visits a Washington DC Chipotle location today wearing Trump/MAGA attire will be served a free burrito, shoved right up their disgusting assholes. Guac is still extra.

[Not Brian Niccol @NotBrianNiccol]

And also still fuck me, of course

[Not Brian Niccol @NotBrianNiccol]

Fuck Trump, fuck MAGA, fuck Republicans, fuck anyone who sides with them, fuck these un-American fucks, eat Chipotle

[Not Brian Niccol @NotBrianNiccol]

.@ChipotleTweets

By age 43, you should have laid off at least 400x your weight in employees.

[Not Brian Niccol @NotBrianNiccol]

.@ChipotleTweets

September: train your replacement
October: terminated

[Not Brian Niccol @NotBrianNiccol]

.@ChipotleTweets

*Chooses corporate office location based on proximity to my backyard*

[Not Brian Niccol @NotBrianNiccol]

.@ChipotleTweets

"I'm excited to join the team in Denver!" (obviously lying, planning to move the company to Newport)

[Not Brian Niccol @NotBrianNiccol]

.@ChipotleTweets

Us at 25: abandoning everyone who helped get us to 25.

Us at 26: iffy.

[Not Brian Niccol @NotBrianNiccol]

Update: @ChipotleTweets has blocked me. Pretty weird to be blocked by my own company. I guess they really are mad at me for firing almost the entire corporate staff and putting the company they love in a perilous position....

[Not Brian Niccol @NotBrianNiccol]

Us at 25: abandoning everyone who helped get us to 25.

Us at 26: iffy. https://t.co/nmFyv8ECir

[Not Brian Niccol @NotBrianNiccol]

Hope everyone enjoyed Chipotle's 25th Anniversary yesterday! 25 is a special number. It's about how many employees were offered a spot in Newport, and it's probably close to how many millions of dollars we'll pay to break our lease at the new Denver office.

[Not Brian Niccol @NotBrianNiccol]

Sorry for the hiatus. I went into a temporary fear-induced paralysis when I realized we're firing everyone who knows how to run the company.

[Not Brian Niccol @NotBrianNiccol]

The over-under for resignations this week has been set at 15. Please place your bets at the front desk.

[Not Brian Niccol @NotBrianNiccol]

Any employees making the move to Newport should get a metal detector to use at the beach. It's a great hobby, and you might need to sell any valuables you find since we barely increased your salaries.

[Not Brian Niccol @NotBrianNiccol]

Allow me to explain the folder colors. Relocation offers were blue to represent the ocean in Newport Beach. Severance packages were green to represent all the cash we're saving by cutting you.

[Not Brian Niccol @NotBrianNiccol]

Big thanks to BCG for their help with the layoff. Their color-coding abilities are unsurpassed.

[Not Brian Niccol @NotBrianNiccol]

I got nervous during today's Q&A when someone started with "Follow-up question about loyalty...."

[Not Brian Niccol @NotBrianNiccol]

One thing I forgot to mention on today's call: we're getting rid of ~90% of our corporate staff and will have massive gaps in knowledge and processes for the foreseeable future. Would Wall Street want to know that?