Tom Luciano

Very proud of my ability to proofraed

[Tom Luciano @NotTomLuciano]

**Notices a guy eating alone at restaurant**

Me at 18: “What a loser”

Me at 30: “That guy is killing it”

[Tom Luciano @NotTomLuciano]

Pregnancy is the only situation where some guy could live inside my wife and eat her food and I’d be ok with it

[Tom Luciano @NotTomLuciano]

Took ayahuasca. Spoke to my ancestors. They told me very clearly to “build more data centers”

[Tom Luciano @NotTomLuciano]

When @TonyRobbins is having a bad day do you think puts on a motivational audiobook of himself?

[Tom Luciano @NotTomLuciano]

Epstein showing up in the background of all these photos from the past like Pedophile Where’s Waldo

[Tom Luciano @NotTomLuciano]

Old white guys hate hydration. Just gave my dad a glass of water and he hissed like a vampire being handed garlic

[Tom Luciano @NotTomLuciano]

The inventor of the Brazilian butt lift was like “Women are great but how can we make a part of their body look like an overstuffed duffle bag?”

[Tom Luciano @NotTomLuciano]

Calling someone back - who you don’t want to talk to - and they don’t pick up. Find me a better feeling.

[Tom Luciano @NotTomLuciano]

My gf and I are in that perfect part of the relationship where we haven’t figured out what we hate about each other yet

[Tom Luciano @NotTomLuciano]

If you see 2 white women power-walking in the middle of the street at 2pm, you’re in the suburbs

[Tom Luciano @NotTomLuciano]

If you own a beach house, there’s a 94% chance your WiFi password is “beach house”

[Tom Luciano @NotTomLuciano]

My mom is at the point in retirement where she calls to tell me she doesn’t have time to talk

[Tom Luciano @NotTomLuciano]

Male Hormone Levels & Age:

Teens: Unwanted Math Class Boners
20’s: Self-Destructive Horniness
30’s: Post Nut Clarity
40’s: WWII Documentaries

[Tom Luciano @NotTomLuciano]

Surprising bloodwork results after 2 months eating vegetarian: my body is now almost entirely made of farts

[Tom Luciano @NotTomLuciano]

Cuckholding isn’t for me but I just spent most of this flight watching the guy next to me watch my favorite movie

[Tom Luciano @NotTomLuciano]

@CitiBikeNYC Nope! Everything was down last night for hours..thinking about cancelling my membership. Second full outage in 3 days is unacceptable

[Tom Luciano @NotTomLuciano]

As a guy named “Tom” I’m very conscious of my peeping, foolery and being an uncle.

[Tom Luciano @NotTomLuciano]

Portland, Maine..where bassists from 90s bands go to retire (I assume)

[Tom Luciano @NotTomLuciano]

Crazy that Tate’s Bake Shop cookies were actually started by Andrew Tate @Cobratate

[Tom Luciano @NotTomLuciano]

Business idea: Scarecrows but for people you don’t want to talk to

[Tom Luciano @NotTomLuciano]

If you guys like shower beers, you’re going to LOVE shower chicken pot pies