Mushy Cantaloupe Balls

I was at a house party once, and there was a mountain of cocaine on the kitchen counter. I didn't do any, but it was pretty awesome.

[Mushy Cantaloupe Balls @OilCan314]

I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.

[Mushy Cantaloupe Balls @OilCan314]

Her thighs smell like breath.

[Mushy Cantaloupe Balls @OilCan314]

I eat Snickers upside down so I can have the veiny texture on my tongue.

[Mushy Cantaloupe Balls @OilCan314]

Hang on, hang on. Maybe it isn’t THAT Chirayu Rana. Very common name.

[CogginToboggan @CogginToboggan]

John Kruk in a suit looks like someone who’s been advised by a judge to not represent themself in court.

[Mushy Cantaloupe Balls @OilCan314]

Government LSD is my next fantasy team name.

[Mushy Cantaloupe Balls @OilCan314]

I once went to Vegas in December. It was cloudy as a motherfucker.

[Mushy Cantaloupe Balls @OilCan314]

I need to make a quick announcement to all of you. Wash your ass and balls, you nappy motherfuckers!!!

[Mushy Cantaloupe Balls @OilCan314]

You jerked off in a damn parking lot, you dumb fuck!

[Mushy Cantaloupe Balls @OilCan314]

It’s impossible to sneeze while you’re pissing.

[Mushy Cantaloupe Balls @OilCan314]

Sorry, it's been hard to think straight. From the moment we arrived, I've either been drunk or ejaculating.

[Mushy Cantaloupe Balls @OilCan314]

@ontapbros Mariners hat shouldn’t be on air talent. I’ve seen middle school kids with more ball knowledge.

[Mushy Cantaloupe Balls @OilCan314]

@20th_Centurygal

[NFL Memes @NFLMemes]

Kyler Murray took the time to meet with Vikings staffers at the practice facility after signing 🙌

[Super 70s Sports @Super70sSports]

Random Chris Berman nickname thread. Bring it strong. I’ll start us off with the immortal Oddibe “Young Again” McDowell.

[Mushy Cantaloupe Balls @OilCan314]

Great Britain designed their jerseys in Microsoft Word using Helvetica font. #WorldBaseballClassic

[Mushy Cantaloupe Balls @OilCan314]

@ChadLeistikow Jim Rome looks like your girlfriend’s dad that always asks you to help lift heavy furniture upstairs when you come to visit.

[Mushy Cantaloupe Balls @OilCan314]

It’s very emasculating walking through a job site holding a box of Wheat Thins.

[Mushy Cantaloupe Balls @OilCan314]

I’m not ordering a fucking salad at Dairy Queen.

[Mushy Cantaloupe Balls @OilCan314]

@UNCG_MikeJones

[Danny Deraney @DannyDeraney]

Happy Pete Weber Day to all those who celebrate.