★☆☆☆☆

. . . . . . . . . . . . clip here ✂️ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

[★☆☆☆☆ @OneMore469]

My goal in life is to be rich enough not to be on Twitter.

[★☆☆☆☆ @OneMore469]

@elonmusk *eats popcorn and watches all the snowflakes getting triggered*

[Toby 🇵🇸 @tobestewart]

It’s 2024 and we’re still tweeting in black and white?

[sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy]

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

[Jude D @heyitsJudeD]

Men who really listen are sexy AF!

My husband: what?

[★☆☆☆☆ @OneMore469]

@ChaseSupport, what gives? I'm trying to book a hotel in VA Beach, but I can't trust your reviews!

[MrBeast @MrBeast]

I’m gonna give 10 random people that repost this and follow me $25,000 for fun (the $250,000 my X video made)

I’ll pick the winners in 72 hours

[Lazor @Lazor2828]

Look, the hug is over when I pat you on the back. I'm tapping out, bitch.

[Dan Regan @DanRegan_Comedy]

According to this cheese Advent calendar I bought yesterday I guess I should wish everyone Merry Christmas today.

[★☆☆☆☆ @OneMore469]

@mattonaroof Happy Birthday! 🎉🎈

[★☆☆☆☆ @OneMore469]

RIP Matthew Perry

[Doc  @DocAtCDI]

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.

[Swim Jeans 👖 @ShortSleeveSuit]

HER: I’ve missed you so badly

ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god

[Indy @IndecisiveJones]

@YuckyTom

[★☆☆☆☆ @OneMore469]

@specialistics @KaylaChowShow Not true. He changed his mind and decided that instead of stealing $100 from the store, he swapped it out to steal $30 plus $70 worth of merchandise.

[★☆☆☆☆ @OneMore469]

@HenpeckedHal @ckb104 We’ve been doing $5, too. Luckily I only have one kid left that’s losing teeth!

[Turtle Sprints @TurtleSprints]

They were surprised by the first one, but no one in this bar fight was ready for my second handful of glitter.

[Henpecked Hal @HenpeckedHal]

Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.

[your other mom @difficultpatty]

What’s a retweet called now?

I vote Xerox.