Neri B.

Wouldn’t bust a grape in a fruit fight

[Paul McNiel @pbdmcniel]

My dad gave me a piece of advice that has served me well: never make a comment about, or a play on someone's name. You will never impress them. You will only sink in their esteem.

I met an old guy named John Lennon once, shook his hand and said "good to meet you Mr. Lennon." You could see the respect and joy at not hearing yet another damned comment about his name.

Thanks dad.

[effectfully @effectfully]

That intense feeling of betrayal when you realize she's laughing at your jokes not because she appreciates your humor, but because she's sexually attracted to you.

[daisy “dan goose” tackett @fatstevebuscemi]

oh to be a 4 years old beekeeper distracted by a roly poly instead of a wage slave under late stage capitalism

[turbomander @turbomander]

hey "lmfao" is actually really problematic (has swear word in it) sooooo if you could please say something like "thats so laughy taffy" or "im gigglemode" next time please

[Andrew Lynch @andrewglynch]

if a toddler puts a sticker on you, that’s a sign of great respect in their culture

[chloe @chloes_posts]

It used to be really easy to be a mad scientist’s Igor. Now? Eight rounds of interviews just to pull the lever

[frick @gofrickurself]

I’ve pooped in bathrooms you wouldn’t even fart in

[grace @gracefishlove]

Sorry about the mean things i said when i was right

[narancia gaming @naranciagaming]

first they came for the immigrants,
and i did not speak out because i was ignoring the news for mental health reasons

[kaylee @DietCokeVEVO]

i was at the grocery and heard a lady ask a little boy what he wanted to be when he grew up and with no pause he said “Mr. Fart”

[🪩🎲🍒 @expired_grl]

maybe your cat is meowing bc it wants a cigarette

[Skyler Higley @skyler_higley]

people used to say “am I being punk’d right now” now they say “is this a psy-op being orchestrated by Mossad?”

[Sean @panoptisean]

You are hereby sentenced to eating the food you have at your house

[Libby, strongest preygirl @libbysalt]

How can you enjoy sex it has no deckbuilding or roguelike gameplay elements to make each run unique

[jax @brokeurtooth]

a helicopter & six cop cars r surrounding my street & i walked out of my apartment to get my laundry downstairs & three cops yelled “get back inside” & i said “i need to get my laundry” & they yelled “u can get it later” but like what if i get lazy later and don’t want to do it

[Michael Caine @themichaelcaine]

I started out as a spy playing Harry Palmer now I am playing Finn McMissile in Cars 2

[Ryan Grim @ryangrim]

Powerful piece, highly recommend reading. Democrats need people like Platner if they are going to come to terms with the true nature of our country, with what we have done to people at home and abroad, and pull together the coalition needed to heal and reshape it.

“A tiny minority of Americans (6%) ever serve in the military. Of these, only 40% of veterans have ever deployed to a combat zone. And of those deployed, only about 10% participated in actual ground combat. I am one of those, and so is Platner. His pathology: a combination of traumatic stress, substance abuse, impulsive decision-making in the past, and deep anger at the moral injury he sustained wearing the cloth of this nation, is something this country ought to consider when it sends its young men and women to war. The question before Maine is not whether Graham Platner is perfect. The question is whether the United States Senate, the state of Maine, and the country as a whole would benefit from having his voice in the room when decisions are made. The answer is yes…”

“A democracy that insists on perfection will eventually find itself represented only by people skilled at hiding their flaws.”

[John Ruf @JohnRuf6]

I proudly only ever park my car illegally so my ticket dollars go to the great city of Chicago instead of Saudi Arabia.

[Yoko Ono @yokoono]

Who will win the World Cup?
A child who believes in a peaceful world.

[B. Miller @BlaiseInKC]

There’s some quirk in physics where, if there’s a small hole in a bag of mulch it will leak all over your vehicle.
But if you rip a giant hole in the bag and try to dump it out into your landscaping, almost none will fall out.