Overheard Roommate

Just two roommates creating a secret Twitter account to quote our very quotable third roommate. (He has no idea. Or Twitter.)

[Joe Sondow @JoeSondow]

Please, I need your help. I need this tweet to get to exactly 69 retweets and 420 likes, no more and no less. I'm counting on you. I know we can do this. You know we can do this. Let's do this.

[Overheard Roommate @OverheardThird]

Roses are red, daisies are white, when she suck your toes, I hope she don't bite.

[Overheard Roommate @OverheardThird]

"Mom says it's my turn to oppress straight people."

[Overheard Roommate @OverheardThird]

"I don't wanna drink cum tank juice."

[Overheard Roommate @OverheardThird]

"I eat my own poop sometimes. I can't help."

[Overheard Roommate @OverheardThird]

*five minutes of complete silence*

"Pee pee. And poo poo."

*another five minutes of silence*

[Overheard Roommate @OverheardThird]

"What is Flo, and how does one ride it?"

[Overheard Roommate @OverheardThird]

"If your semen is yellow, you need to talk to the doctor, dude."

[Overheard Roommate @OverheardThird]

"Yea, I'm saucy, call me Marinara."

[Overheard Roommate @OverheardThird]

"Try me bitch, I grab ass all time!"

[Overheard Roommate @OverheardThird]

"You got out-parkoured by a guy named 'Cripple!'"

[Overheard Roommate @OverheardThird]

We started the Twitter and it's been eerily quiet in the house the last couple days.

I'm worried he's onto us. 👀

[Overheard Roommate @OverheardThird]

"Life is like a sandwich. No matter how you flip it, the bread always comes first."

#cashmoney

[Overheard Roommate @OverheardThird]

"Do you mean like a reverse orgasm? Or just sucking the cum back inside?"

[Overheard Roommate @OverheardThird]

*in a Kermit the Frog voice*
"Miss Piggy, only one finger at a time, please."