Sam Packer

At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen?!

[Sam Packer @PackerK_U]

Bae: come over
Me: cant, contemplatin surrealism and the abstract concept of thought
Bae: my parents arent here
Me: is anyone really "here"?

[j—n @vitaminintake]

theatre people get the vaccine last

[Team Katie @TeamKatiePorter]

When I came to Congress, I knew I had a responsibility to pull back the curtain for the American people and expose corruption in real time. So, I’m filling you in on Senator McConnell’s attempts over the last 8 days to tank a *bipartisan* COVID relief bill. (THREAD)

[Sam Packer @PackerK_U]

@ClayTheMills

[Sam Packer @PackerK_U]

@ClayTheMills Probably cause we let Franky handle the royalties

[Sam Packer @PackerK_U]

8th grade me happily sang the preamble to the constitution in front of his ENTIRE class without a second thought, and here I am today, nervous about giving a 5 minute presentation to my boss over the most basic concepts of what I studied for 4 years. Where did it all go wrong

[Sam Packer @PackerK_U]

Step 1: Think about how cool it would be to be able to move objects with only your mind

Step 2: Realize that’s exactly what you’re already doing when you raise and lower your arm or leg

Step 3: Have panic attack

[Anonymous GM @CourtsideKrow]

LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[Sam Packer @PackerK_U]

“When your boss tells you that you’re integral to the corporate hierarchy

ⓘ This Claim is disputed”

[Sam Packer @PackerK_U]

Nothing like the cyclical bastardization of new meme formats by career based Instagram accounts to remind you even if the horse has been dead for 3 seconds, someone who loves their job a little too much will be waiting with a bat.

[TUTT @TUTT_KONG]

SPONGEBOB ME BOY

I HAVE FINALLY SEQUENCED THE HUMAN
GENOME

ACGACGACGACGACAGACG

[The Onion @TheOnion]

Alex Trebek Politely Listens To Lame Anecdote About Time Archangel Saw Bear https://t.co/kCiVgg8QST

[John Mulaney @mulaney]

...And stay out!

[Sam Packer @PackerK_U]

The Baudelaire orphans when a man with an eye tattoo on his ankle attempts to steal their fortune

[Sam Packer @PackerK_U]

All my homies hate Mitch McConnell

[Sam Packer @PackerK_U]

@thejoshmills1 Yeah the commercials already in the works and you’re not getting any royalties

[Sam Packer @PackerK_U]

Commercial idea: “Rawr xD girl” in a Subaru Forester.

SubUwU “what’s this? O.o *notices your 12 JD Power & Associates awards for initial quality*

[Sam Packer @PackerK_U]

@ all of the random Europeans still following me from years ago after one of my tweets blew up in the UK