Pat Doane

Stand up comedian who you're probably a better person than.

[Pat Doane @PatDoaneThe1st]

Anytime I do something cool, there's absolutely nobody around to see it.

[Pat Doane @PatDoaneThe1st]

I don't just sing in the car. I put on a fucking show

[Pat Doane @PatDoaneThe1st]

@mike__muniz "Grapes are tight"

[Pat Doane @PatDoaneThe1st]

Note to self: You'll never be able to grow facial hair. So never try

[Pat Doane @PatDoaneThe1st]

If you drive around in an undercover cop car, you can just go fuck yourself. That's all.

[Pat Doane @PatDoaneThe1st]

I hope @mike__muniz gets this drunk tonight

[Pat Doane @PatDoaneThe1st]

I always tip my waitress well because I want to create the illusion that I have more money than I do. Too bad I'm flat ass broke.

[Pat Doane @PatDoaneThe1st]

A hangover from Budweiser is a lot like getting slapped by your dad. It hurts just enough to let you know who's boss

[Pat Doane @PatDoaneThe1st]

A huge portion of my money goes to food cause I have absolutely no self control

[Pat Doane @PatDoaneThe1st]

The lady at Leonardo's just called my name about 15 times while I stared blankly at my phone. #zombie

[Pat Doane @PatDoaneThe1st]

Just lost all of my confidence for the day by thinking about the time a toddler beat me in an argument.

[Pat Doane @PatDoaneThe1st]

Just got caught rapping every word to Work It by missy Elliot at a stop light. How's your Monday going?

[Pat Doane @PatDoaneThe1st]

Chicken wings never fail to save my life

[Pat Doane @PatDoaneThe1st]

It was hard growing up as a suburban white kid with a love for hip hop

[Boston Comedy Shows @rBostonComedy]

Comedy at Katrina's in Gloucester featuring:
@StartsWithanX
@P_Doane01
@Coolhandra
@NicholasIsntFun & more https://t.co/HBhd3IwaX2

[Pat Doane @PatDoaneThe1st]

If you drink soda this early in the morning, I have every right to believe you're a serial killer

[Pat Doane @PatDoaneThe1st]

*Posts snapchat story of snow*

[Pat Doane @PatDoaneThe1st]

First text of today: Fuck Irish car bombs!
Second text of today: Can you help me find my car?

[Pat Doane @PatDoaneThe1st]

Having a child at your house all day is honestly the best birth control motivator

[Pat Doane @PatDoaneThe1st]

Cooking bacon is a lot like raising a child. Everything either goes perfectly, or you just fuck everything up