Per Mertesacker

Everyone's favourite lanky Premiership defender. Proving if you can't read the game having blistering pace will cover you in all defensive situations.(Parody)

[Per Mertesacker @PerMertesacker1]

Bastian said the other day his wife never masturbates whilst on her period, but later on I went into his room and I caught her red handed.

[Per Mertesacker @PerMertesacker1]

Still absolutely fuming with Miroslav, I don't know what's worse.....stealing my goal on my 100th cap or that ridiculous front flip disaster

[Per Mertesacker @PerMertesacker1]

Liverpool - "Suarez will stay with us." Now I know he did wrong but I think that punishment is a bit extreme. #heartlessbastards

[Per Mertesacker @PerMertesacker1]

For those counting thats 2 in 2 for North London Derbies. No wonder I'm a fucking club hero #wevegotabigfuckinggerman

[Per Mertesacker @PerMertesacker1]

When you've been knocking on the door as much as I have been over the last year the goal was bound to come. #wouldliketothankmymumanddad

[Per Mertesacker @PerMertesacker1]

Jamie isn't a fan of Glenn's analysis....

[Per Mertesacker @PerMertesacker1]

Chico Flores is out with a dead leg...In Other injury news, Vorm can't play due to a nipple cripple and Michu's doubtful with a Chinese Burn

[Per Mertesacker @PerMertesacker1]

Most ageing stars go to foreign countries for money. Clearly whilst in Holland Barnet-bound Edgar Davids had too many Space Cakes #saynokids

[Per Mertesacker @PerMertesacker1]

#ff @not_emileheskey @mariobalotelad @arsene___wenger @arsenes_eyes @itzgaryneville @db_davidbeckham @wengerquotes @rarryhedknapp

[Per Mertesacker @PerMertesacker1]

#FF @bigjohnterry @bigfranklampard @furious_fergie @ther_martinez @yayatoure_ @super_9_torres @not_rvp @andrevillyb @funnygooner

[Per Mertesacker @PerMertesacker1]

Each day a Chelsea full back swears on twitter. I know it's bad but all im thinking is......what's that mentalist Paulo Ferraira gonna say!?

[Per Mertesacker @PerMertesacker1]

How many more jobs is Ole Gunner Solskjaer going to be linked with!? By 4pm today he will be favourite to be the next leader of the Taliban

[Per Mertesacker @PerMertesacker1]

After watching MOTD2 I am pleased to see Huth stamping on Suarez, at last a Premier League player is trying to 'Kick Racism Out of Football'

[Per Mertesacker @PerMertesacker1]

#ff @bigjohnterry @bigfranklampard @furious_fergie @ther_martinez @yayatoure_ @super_9_torres @not_rvp @andrevillyb @funnygooner

[Per Mertesacker @PerMertesacker1]

#ff @not_emileheskey @mariobalotelad @arsene___wenger @arsenes_eyes @itzgaryneville @db_davidbeckham @wengerquotes @rarryhedknapp

[Per Mertesacker @PerMertesacker1]

Got my wife to help me clear the attic today. Old, dusty and full of cobwebs. Still she's great with the kids

[Per Mertesacker @PerMertesacker1]

Nuri Sahin is married to his own cousin and has a child! He only played Norwich on Saturday, the city must of made a real impression on him

[Per Mertesacker @PerMertesacker1]

1 - 0 Southampton Ramirez @GarethBale22 "I'll tell ya what, if that Ramirez doesn't win player of the tournament there's no justice"

[Per Mertesacker @PerMertesacker1]

What on earth have I done to get dropped I will never know, this is a bigger injustice than John Terry's trial......

[Per Mertesacker @PerMertesacker1]

#ff @not_emileheskey @mariobalotelad @arsene___wenger @arsenes_eyes @itzgaryneville @db_davidbeckham @wengerquotes @rarryhedknapp