Ponies and Martinis

Herding kids and dogs daily. One day, I hope to complete something I start. Or, at least complete a thought.

[Ponies and Martinis @PonyMartini]

People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.

[Neal Owusu @neal_thatdude]

Now I be like “oh fuck i forgot my mask” like im spiderman or something

[Mommy Owl @Mommy__Owl]

Parenthood is hard to explain to people who haven’t had kids. Like, “It’s the best thing ever” and also “I’ve never been more stressed out, tired, frumpy, or poor in my entire life.”

[Amy Dillon @amydillon]

I uttered the words “Ugh, what next?” and opened a cabinet to come face-to-face with a cockroach, which was extremely on-brand for 2020.

[Stephanie Ortiz @Six_Pack_Mom]

Did you know that 2 cups of Rice Krispies can cover an area of over 5 feet? Did you also know that the Krispies can be spilled & crushed in the time it takes an adult woman to pee?

I do. Now.

[Mommy Owl @Mommy__Owl]

Me, at 15: I want to be popular.

Me, at 25: I want a couple good friends.

Me, at 35: I want to be a hermit.

[A Bearer Of Dad News @HomeWithPeanut]

Being a parent of two toddlers is very much like playing a live-action version of Minesweeper everyday.

[Abby Heugel @AbbyHasIssues]

Never trust someone who tells you mashed cauliflower tastes just like mashed potatoes. They'll lie to you about other things, too.

[Ponies and Martinis @PonyMartini]

Being an adult is wandering around your house, trying to figure out where you left your cup of coffee.

[Ponies and Martinis @PonyMartini]

Took the “new and improved” Sorting Hat quiz and was placed in Slytherin.

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time.

[Arianna Bradford @thearibradford]

You think newborns look so pissed when they first come out because they know that someday they’re gonna have to talk to people?

[the Mom TruthBomb @momTruthBomb]

Me: *going about my daily routine

Body: Someone's 40th birthday is coming up! I got you an early present!

Me: Oh, you didn't have to do tha.....

Body: Here's some random shoulder pain.

Me: Ow! But I didn't even DO anyth...

Body: And here's a little twinge in your knee.

[Mommy Owl @Mommy__Owl]

Cool how we spend so much money on our kids’ youth sports and then are figgin giddy when their games are cancelled.

[Ponies and Martinis @PonyMartini]

Please lift up in prayer my toddler, who missed seeing a squirrel run through our backyard.

[Ponies and Martinis @PonyMartini]

My toddler pointed to my bedroom and said, “There’s a ghost in there.”

Excuse me while I never sleep again.

[Mom On The Rocks @mom_ontherocks]

Kid: I love you so much!

Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.

Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.

Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.

[Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets @gfishandnuggets]

My husband and I spent a solid 48 hours looking for the keys to our car roof rack.

We figured the keys were lost, and literally looked everywhere but our keychains.

They were on his keychain.

If this doesn’t sum up Parent Brain, I don’t know what does.

[Ponies and Martinis @PonyMartini]

Thanks, @amazon for the extra prize at the treasure truck today! My pup is looking very dapper in his new bandana.

[Ponies and Martinis @PonyMartini]

My toddler has discovered his nipples. Send thoughts, prayers, and pasties.

[Mom On The Rocks @mom_ontherocks]

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes