David Clarke

Joining a new gym soon. My current one isn't open the hours I like. Forces me to sculpt the guns at the office

[David Clarke @PunSl1nger]

Man City fans have a new favourite drink called 'the David Moyes'

It's a scotch on the rocks

[David Clarke @PunSl1nger]

To all you beautiful girls out there Happy Valentines day... To all you fat birds chins up, its Pancake day soon

[David Clarke @PunSl1nger]

The guy at the Job Centre told me a joke about a job vacancy.

I didn't get it, but the Polish bloke behind me did.

[David Clarke @PunSl1nger]

I always get my loved ones petrol-soaked fake moustaches for Christmas.
It's such a joy to watch their faces light up!

[David Clarke @PunSl1nger]

Disney have released a Star Wars themed frying pan online. The E-wok

[David Clarke @PunSl1nger]

Not long now until the new series of:

I'm Not a Celebrity, Get Me in There.

[David Clarke @PunSl1nger]

Good to see Joe Hart out and about in Manchester today after his recent blunder.

He was spotted at HMV giving games away.
#MUFC

[David Clarke @PunSl1nger]

Going to scare the shit out of the pensioners in my street when I go trick or treating tonight. I am dressing up as a gas bill.

[David Clarke @PunSl1nger]

I can't believe how windy it is out there.

It blew all the clothes off my washing line and into a gypsy's van.

[David Clarke @PunSl1nger]

My mate is called Dave Twokegs.

That's a double-barrel surname.

[David Clarke @PunSl1nger]

I'm going to be my wife for Halloween.

My costume is just me rolling my eyes at everything I say.

[David Clarke @PunSl1nger]

A man's life is like a lush, green meadow.

It's a beautiful thing until some cow comes along and shits all over it.

[David Clarke @PunSl1nger]

I had a happy childhood, I can remember my dad putting me inside a tyre and rolling me down a hill..

Those were Goodyears.

[David Clarke @PunSl1nger]

What's James brown's favourite beer?

He's a Sol man.

[David Clarke @PunSl1nger]

I just screamed at a Chinese bloke "Pick your dogs shit up you filthy fuck!"

"Don't worry" he said "Its fake."

[David Clarke @PunSl1nger]

I run a joke shop.

The best bit is when customers discover that my dog shit on the shelves isn't fake.

[David Clarke @PunSl1nger]

I'm never buying any Beyonce merchandise again, this Sat Nav is utter shit, just keeps saying 'to the left, to the left'

[David Clarke @PunSl1nger]

Kids TV Nick Jr has announced a controversial new episode of Peppa Pig, in which Peppa builds her own crystal meth laboratory.

Bacon Bad.

[David Clarke @PunSl1nger]

Councils say they're losing £30 million a year in unpaid parking fines.

If they half the cost of a fine, they'll only lose £15 million.

[David Clarke @PunSl1nger]

If there's one thing I've learnt from Formula 1 over the past 2 decades, it's the German national anthem.