ⓟⓤⓝⓢ & ⓠⓤⓞⓣⓔⓢ

From the maker of @folksofhistory & @lgbtplusproud - Mostly puns, clever jokes + pretty much anything cool/funny I've found online. NB: I don't own this stuff.

[ⓟⓤⓝⓢ & ⓠⓤⓞⓣⓔⓢ @PunsAndQuotes]

It actually happened.
The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.

[ⓟⓤⓝⓢ & ⓠⓤⓞⓣⓔⓢ @PunsAndQuotes]

Past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

[ⓟⓤⓝⓢ & ⓠⓤⓞⓣⓔⓢ @PunsAndQuotes]

Apparently it's #CowAppreciationDay.
Udderly ridiculous if you ask me.

[Dublin Airport @DublinAirport]

Apparently, the pilot is testing his eyesight just to make sure he’ll be ok for a transatlantic flight in a day or two. Sorry, that’s obviously not the case. It’s collecting information for a mapping software company.

[ⓟⓤⓝⓢ & ⓠⓤⓞⓣⓔⓢ @PunsAndQuotes]

Watch those calories dad...

[ⓟⓤⓝⓢ & ⓠⓤⓞⓣⓔⓢ @PunsAndQuotes]

Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." He doesn't react.

[oracle oғ тeмple @oracleoftemple]

Back for a one off Christmas special, a bit like Gavin and Stacey. Happy Christmas everyone! #oracleoftemple #temple #londonunderground @tfl

[ⓟⓤⓝⓢ & ⓠⓤⓞⓣⓔⓢ @PunsAndQuotes]

Of course I touch myself when I think about you. It's called a face palm.

[ⓟⓤⓝⓢ & ⓠⓤⓞⓣⓔⓢ @PunsAndQuotes]

C, E Flat, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."

[ⓟⓤⓝⓢ & ⓠⓤⓞⓣⓔⓢ @PunsAndQuotes]

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

[ⓟⓤⓝⓢ & ⓠⓤⓞⓣⓔⓢ @PunsAndQuotes]

Did the person who invented the door knocker win a Nobel prize?

[ⓟⓤⓝⓢ & ⓠⓤⓞⓣⓔⓢ @PunsAndQuotes]

The Cure were going to play Glastonbury but they already had The Vaccines and so they weren't needed.

[ⓟⓤⓝⓢ & ⓠⓤⓞⓣⓔⓢ @PunsAndQuotes]

Don't worry if you can't spell 'Armageddon'. It's not the end of the world.

[ⓟⓤⓝⓢ & ⓠⓤⓞⓣⓔⓢ @PunsAndQuotes]

Poor door. LOL

[ⓟⓤⓝⓢ & ⓠⓤⓞⓣⓔⓢ @PunsAndQuotes]

Ouch!

[ⓟⓤⓝⓢ & ⓠⓤⓞⓣⓔⓢ @PunsAndQuotes]

The man who invented predictive text died the other day.

His funfair is next monkey.

[ⓟⓤⓝⓢ & ⓠⓤⓞⓣⓔⓢ @PunsAndQuotes]

Animal testing…

[ⓟⓤⓝⓢ & ⓠⓤⓞⓣⓔⓢ @PunsAndQuotes]

My little dog keeps biting through my guitar pedal. Well, he is a chewwahwah.

[ⓟⓤⓝⓢ & ⓠⓤⓞⓣⓔⓢ @PunsAndQuotes]

Before noon but aaaaaarrrrrrr-fter eight.

[ⓟⓤⓝⓢ & ⓠⓤⓞⓣⓔⓢ @PunsAndQuotes]

Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side.

[ⓟⓤⓝⓢ & ⓠⓤⓞⓣⓔⓢ @PunsAndQuotes]

The barman says: "Sorry we don't serve timelords in here".

Doctor Who walks into a bar.