VarucaSalt

expert nap taker|taco loving|truth teller|♡basketball|former line leader| mommy| divorced| sarcastic amateur comedian|unicorn tamer #YOLO

[VarucaSalt @RDub4ya]

At this rate my summer body should be ready in about 7 years.

[BOOP @Pettyyyboop]

Sneeze in front of me one more time, motherfucker.

[L 🇨🇦 @Ann_Hedonia1]

That email did not find me well at all

[Ghostface Kryllah @kryzazzy]

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

[VarucaSalt @RDub4ya]

In relation to the dating climate...

Gag me with a spoon.

[VarucaSalt @RDub4ya]

I hate when I have to learn my little lessons in life. Eww

[sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy]

One day, you’re young and carefree. The next, you completely understand why your grandparents ate dinner at 4:00.

[VarucaSalt @RDub4ya]

Life is hard.

Eat the sweet treat.

[VarucaSalt @RDub4ya]

Remember before, when we didn't know all the food was poisonous?

[VarucaSalt @RDub4ya]

If you don't launder a lego every week, are you even a boy mom?

[Kaptan Hindustan™ @KaptanHindustan]

Hello Clarice.

[VarucaSalt @RDub4ya]

Bagels are the fuk boy of the bread family.

[Opioid Cunningham @anthracitedub]

It’s amazing how 95% of all Americans are just straight up dumb as fuck.

[Joel Jeffrey @joeljeffrey]

I hate when people accuse me of lolly gagging when I'm quite clearly dilly dallying

[Cat From Nowhere @kv8]

The peer pressure to be mentally ill is insane.

[VarucaSalt @RDub4ya]

Roses are red.
Coffee is bitter.
I give good head.
I'm not a spitter.

[Not Today Eric @NotTodayEric]

Drive 5 miles under the speed limit everywhere you go, people love that.

[VarucaSalt @RDub4ya]

My willpower the moment the crab rangoons hit the table.

[VarucaSalt @RDub4ya]

Scared straight but for people that wear socks to bed.