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Human Male. Will Disappoint.

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I have a dad bod in the sense that I am a dad and I have a body of work that is neither impressive nor worth checking out.

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People who think student loan forgiveness is unfair are gonna be so mad when they hear about every aspect of life.

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@Admiral_Bergie

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Probably the most bittersweet moment of my time in comedy; a man hands me a $100 bill after the show and said “Thanks so much, you were so funny, I laughed at everything you said, you remind me of Michael Cera.”

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If people can storm the literal capitol of our country with guns and no gun reform came out of it, we gotta start putting our kids in kevlar. Don’t wait for anyone to pass new laws because we’re stuck in this messed up Groundhog Day forever.

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Lol no shit Sherlock

[BreezyScroll @BreezyScroll]

Hubble Space Telescope data suggests ‘something weird’ is going on with our universe
https://t.co/ZW5RPnu26g

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Make abortion illegal and then sterilize all men at birth, seems fair!

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I’m in the phase of parenting where every tissue box I own is smushed.

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Elon Musk buys twitter and then suddenly no one likes my tweets? Suddenly and also before, nobody likes my tweets? Ok.

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I hate confrontation but love conflict resolution YES WE EXIST

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April Fool’s Day? More like Lie To My Friends And Family About An Exciting Life Event And Then Puke-Laugh At Their Big Dumb Face’s Day.

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Writing work emails in Comic Sans is a hate crime

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Never hit a comedian on stage, but now you are allowed to hit anyone for doing a hacky Will Smith Oscar joke.

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2017 Oscars was wayyyyy better

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Growing up, you think about what World War 3 might look like but I never thought I would be hearing some of the dumbest, tone deaf, hack ass jokes of my life.

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Me having breakfast with my two year old who hates my cooking:

[New York Post @nypost]

Putin keeps distance from Macron as leaders mull diplomatic end to Ukraine crisis https://t.co/FrA2ljG8sJ

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“The job of a comedian is to…” dude you’ve been fired from three different grocery stores.

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I get that some people have to do door to door sales, but if I’m holding a crying baby, and tell you it’s a “bad time”, and you STILL launch into, “So a little bit about me…”, buddy you’re gonna get the trap door.

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End the Joe Rogan podcast by putting Joe on the Supreme Court; everyone wins.

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RIP good New Years glasses 2000-2009, 2020*
*brought back to life but then died of Covid that year

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Spotify Wrapped except it’s the things I’m embarrassed that I Googled in 2021:

1. how many ounces in a pound
2. why toddler poops on toilet but not pee
3. couch with built in microwave
4. friends reunion watch free
5. john mulaney dating gossip