Red, is me

I mosh in the shower .

[Swishergirl @Swishergirl24]

Bring your pets inside you stupid assholes.

[Vincent Van Gone @VVanGone]

Sorry I stared at you five seconds too long I thought you were heaven

[frank diesel @frankkdiesel]

*has a 6-piece mcnugget box rolled up in his t-shirt sleeve like a pack of smokes*

[octopus/caveman @octopuscaveman]

This waitress at my favorite restaurant is hilarious. She always says things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think you should move out”

[Amina @ahahamina]

at the gym i said subscription instead of membership and the girl replied with 'lol this isnt a pharmacy'. bitch thats a prescription were both stupid

[Bat Shit Crazy @BatBatshitcrazy]

She might be younger and hotter and thinner, but I can make you wish you were dead.

[RollmanInOz @Rollmaninoz]

Enter password:

"ScoobyDoo"

sorry password must contain a special character

ScoobydooFeaturingBatman

[Ovary Action 🍉 @Bripping_Talls]

Unlocked a new level of adulthood by going to bed at 9:30 on a Friday night.

[Ovary Action 🍉 @Bripping_Talls]

But if we don't sin that means Jesus died for nothing.

[baked.in.ny @propapergirl]

Smile. It's the best way to confuse someone.

[Island Girl @_Water_Baby]

I need more sleep and less non sleep in my life.

[Charmeuse @incharmuese]

These are not song lyrics. This is me telling you that when you look at me I shine brighter than fireflies

[the circus @LovelyFilters]

there's religion in the way she says fuck

[Jake @dubiousrhetoric]

[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions

[jess (retired) @jessokfine]

Thought I saw a very fat crow today but turned out it was actually just two crows standing close together. What a roller coaster.

[Ꮍᴀᴇʟ @elle91]

From the makers of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter™, Introducing:
-It Might Be Bread
-Let's Just Say It's Cream Cheese
-It Almost Tastes Like Jam
-Sure, it's "Maple Syrup"
-Smells A Bit Like Eggs

[eEric @ericsshadow]

Get ready for marriage by asking your girlfriend/boyfriend to make you a fruit smoothie, then get mad that you can’t hear the TV while they’re making you a fruit smoothie.

[eEric @ericsshadow]

Do people who say “I’m ready for spring” know about bees?