Muscle Brussel

[Muscle Brussel @RedRoom21]

[Sees someone spontaneously combust]

I’m not cleaning that up

[Muscle Brussel @RedRoom21]

6yo: Can we go to the park and play?

Grandpa: *staring at phone* Maybe later. Right now I’m busy trying to be relevant on the internet.

[LANE❤️ @_sunshinefgc]

me: officer ive been shot

cop: where were you shot

me *takes off mask to reveal bon jovi*: through the heart, and you’re to blame

[Laurazepam @andlikelaura]

Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me

Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car

[Discount🍉Emma🍉Stone (Taylor's Version) @Buffalojilll]

Him: I'm leaving you

Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?

Him: you compared me to a Summer's Eve™...

Me: parting is such sweet and sour :(

[handsome handsock @handsock_butts]

girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own

[aaron @aaronflarin]

priest: i ran out of holy water

me: no worries we can do the baptism tomorrow

priest (sadly hiding mountain dew): okay

[Quilliam @nyquills]

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

[jo @whatsJo]

kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank

me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*

[I Schmidt, You Not @BestBitMachine]

Sleeping on a twin bed is hard because how do you know it’s not the evil one?

[Mᴀʏᴀ @MayaIsLoading]

WiFi router: *catches on fire*

Customers' Support employee: Did you try restarting it?

[Tasia, The Final One @GroovyTasia]

Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.

Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still

[Muscle Brussel @RedRoom21]

Nobody:

JK Rowling: Professor Lupin can only cum if he’s dressed like a bee in his wolf form.

[Laurie Scott @LaurieTheScott]

I keep waiting for this bookworm phase to pass so I can finally become a bookbutterfly.

[caitie delaney @caitiedelaney]

“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective

[dugglebutt @dugglebutt]

how to write a romance novel:

He gazed at her lustily. He adjusted his hat lustily. She sat down lustily. She ate three Doritos Locos tacos and a baja chalupa lustily.

[Kid 111D @3dog101]

Waiter - Enjoy your food

Me - You too

Me -You better sit your ass down and help me eat this I am not living with that embarrassment

[jo @whatsJo]

him, texting from the party: where did you go???

me, already home in bed: bathroom brb

[Muscle Brussel @RedRoom21]

Maybe the bees just got tired of our bullshit.

[Kyle 🌱 @KylePlantEmoji]

Her: what's your earliest memory?

Me: I could barely walk, stumbling to my parents bedroom in the middle of the night because I was sick, and feeling so safe in my mom's arms

Her: *hates that we live with my parents* that was last night you drunk piece of shit

[the hype @TheHyyyype]

gazing wistfully out the window, she recalled fondly the days when the whole club was looking at her. gone were the apple bottom jeans and boots with the fur, replaced by a pantsuit and sensible flats. she sighed and hit the stock exchange's trading floor. shawty was low low low