Reggie Sadface

level 5 security clearance at the Lockheed Martin dick sucking factory

[Reggie Sadface @ReggieSadface]

Me in America: I have depression
Me in soviet Russia: depression has me

[Reggie Sadface @ReggieSadface]

Wife showing me a medical picture of the vagina and explaining all the various parts of it but all I can see is an angel from neon genesis evangelion

[Reggie Sadface @ReggieSadface]

I’ve done shit in khakis you wouldn’t even do in pajamas

[Reggie Sadface @ReggieSadface]

Look at you working second shift while I’m getting sucked off by dark wizards

[Dan Baltic @baltic_dan]

There’s only one Helen of Troy and her name is Gianna Michaels

[Reggie Sadface @ReggieSadface]

@lady_valor_07 You need a pair of vice grip pliers. Every time you’re like fuck I wish I had something that could help me do this thing: the answer is vice grip pliers

[Old Man Rattle @oldrattle_]

my pillhead uncle is trying to hire a samurai to assassinate his parole officer

[Reggie Sadface @ReggieSadface]

@ettingermentum Do you account for all the white boys who have instead embraced the shining light of the prophet, peace be upon him?

[Peter Girnus 🦅 @gothburz]

Last quarter I rolled out Microsoft Copilot to 4,000 employees.

$30 per seat per month.

$1.4 million annually.

I called it "digital transformation."

The board loved that phrase.

They approved it in eleven minutes.

No one asked what it would actually do.

Including me.

I told everyone it would "10x productivity."

That's not a real number.

But it sounds like one.

HR asked how we'd measure the 10x.

I said we'd "leverage analytics dashboards."

They stopped asking.

Three months later I checked the usage reports.

47 people had opened it.

12 had used it more than once.

One of them was me.

I used it to summarize an email I could have read in 30 seconds.

It took 45 seconds.

Plus the time it took to fix the hallucinations.

But I called it a "pilot success."

Success means the pilot didn't visibly fail.

The CFO asked about ROI.

I showed him a graph.

The graph went up and to the right.

It measured "AI enablement."

I made that metric up.

He nodded approvingly.

We're "AI-enabled" now.

I don't know what that means.

But it's in our investor deck.

A senior developer asked why we didn't use Claude or ChatGPT.

I said we needed "enterprise-grade security."

He asked what that meant.

I said "compliance."

He asked which compliance.

I said "all of them."

He looked skeptical.

I scheduled him for a "career development conversation."

He stopped asking questions.

Microsoft sent a case study team.

They wanted to feature us as a success story.

I told them we "saved 40,000 hours."

I calculated that number by multiplying employees by a number I made up.

They didn't verify it.

They never do.

Now we're on Microsoft's website.

"Global enterprise achieves 40,000 hours of productivity gains with Copilot."

The CEO shared it on LinkedIn.

He got 3,000 likes.

He's never used Copilot.

None of the executives have.

We have an exemption.

"Strategic focus requires minimal digital distraction."

I wrote that policy.

The licenses renew next month.

I'm requesting an expansion.

5,000 more seats.

We haven't used the first 4,000.

But this time we'll "drive adoption."

Adoption means mandatory training.

Training means a 45-minute webinar no one watches.

But completion will be tracked.

Completion is a metric.

Metrics go in dashboards.

Dashboards go in board presentations.

Board presentations get me promoted.

I'll be SVP by Q3.

I still don't know what Copilot does.

But I know what it's for.

It's for showing we're "investing in AI."

Investment means spending.

Spending means commitment.

Commitment means we're serious about the future.

The future is whatever I say it is.

As long as the graph goes up and to the right.

[Reggie Sadface @ReggieSadface]

Patiently waiting to hear my wife’s breathing slow into a sleeping rhythm before typing “cumtown lore” into the YouTube search bar

[Reggie Sadface @ReggieSadface]

@paulwall1970 Oh whoops you’ve made it interesting which is a massive violation of Bauhaus principles

[Reggie Sadface @ReggieSadface]

@laserboat999 Thirty clicks outside of Kandahar dropping MOABs on a field full of twenty five thousand patties

[Reggie Sadface @ReggieSadface]

Me: So this is a mitre saw, table saw over there, oh and this is a planer, and uhhh we got a drill press. So yeah all in all a lot has changed.
The Returned Jesus Christ of Nazareth: Holy shit. And what of staining? How have you improved staining?
Me: Uhhhh….

[Reggie Sadface @ReggieSadface]

@laserboat999 They’re saying he’s lost his god damn mind, but I look around this city and I think he’s the only sane one left.

[Reggie Sadface @ReggieSadface]

@maddenifico Me sucking off Hitler: he has no idea that I’m manipulating him

[Reggie Sadface @ReggieSadface]

@AmichaiChikli @vueling If you lead fifty children in song on a plane I think this should happen to you regardless of what song you are singing

[Reggie Sadface @ReggieSadface]

@legotrillermoth Piggly Wiggly has fallen

[Reggie Sadface @ReggieSadface]

@AChillGhost Seeing an army of 500,000 modern day Catholics aimlessly march around the desert for 3 years, sieging Darom and then all dying of starvation

[Reggie Sadface @ReggieSadface]

@laserboat999 Spent one thousand and one hours meditating at the Animus Temple to unlock my beast form only to discover it was the most dangerous beast of all…

Man.

[Reggie Sadface @ReggieSadface]

@Trey_Explainer Heh. Engaging with the source material? Never heard of it kid. Now, let’s get back to business. I think I’m ready to learn the second half of the alphabet.

[Reggie Sadface @ReggieSadface]

@laserboat999 Can you comment on the rumors that he has usurped the throne of the Lord and reforged heaven through firey claw into a sunless void of iron and bone?