Ben Rigg

Welsh zoologist, innit.

[forest fr1ends @forest_fr1ends]

- i’m so sorry, prostate exams always make me nervous. i’m a bit of a stinky mess down below.
- it’s fine, please just concentrate doctor…

[Sartorial Thug 🍸 @SartorialThug]

Bloody song is stuck in my head now.

[forest fr1ends @forest_fr1ends]

- i don’t want to go back to school.
- i know sweetie, but getting your routines back is really important …

[forest fr1ends @forest_fr1ends]

- well penelope, that’s the first and last outing for my white linen trousers.
- who the f**k plays ‘pull my finger’ in a library…?

[forest fr1ends @forest_fr1ends]

- seems like a good opportunity to remind you that my road tax and MOT run out next month.
- i really thought dropping acid would be more fun than this…

[forest fr1ends @forest_fr1ends]

- mummy, when i grow up I’m going to be —
- less of an irritating little prick?
- ………. and an astronaut…

[I ❤️ Snooker @ILoveSnooker_]

Dennis Taylor: “I’ll turn the old glasses upside down and put the gear up on my head and wag my finger. It’s gonna be absolutely brilliant.”

Steve Davis: “Why don’t you just fuck off?” 😂

[forest fr1ends @forest_fr1ends]

i swear to god if you put that f**king leaflet through my door you’re gonna be shitting paper mache tomorrow…

[forest fr1ends @forest_fr1ends]

- hey nicola, look. i’m winking… is it winking?
- who said romance was dead…?

[forest fr1ends @forest_fr1ends]

- look daddy, a shooting star. did mummy throw it down from heaven?
- unlikely sweetheart, but at least she died doing what she loved, chugging jägermeister and juggling chainsaws…

[forest fr1ends @forest_fr1ends]

- The way mrs jenkins produces ping pong balls from down there is nothing short of remarkable.
- like a f**ked up pez dispenser.
- WOAH, and a bat!!- 2 BATS !!… AND A HALF TIME ORANGE!!

[forest fr1ends @forest_fr1ends]

f**k it, i think naked attraction’s on channel 4…?

[forest fr1ends @forest_fr1ends]

mummy bear: who’s been drinking all the beers?
baby bear: who’s been deleting all the internet history?
daddy bear: that f**king goldilocks again…

[forest fr1ends @forest_fr1ends]

time to phone in sick sir?…

[forest fr1ends @forest_fr1ends]

- i’m sorry sweetie, we found harry the hamster.
- why didn’t the little f**ker just make a wish he could swim?
- SIMON, your internal dialogue is leaking again…

[forest fr1ends @forest_fr1ends]

- the nice thing about camping is being able to reconnect. in fact, unless you have something better to do i thought we could —
- i’m mucking out the chemical toilet…

[forest fr1ends @forest_fr1ends]

hope you’re happy kid, i’ve spent less than that on a tequila boom boom and a rimjob…

[Guinness World Records @GWR]

Marcus Rashford now has equalled the record for the most substitute appearances in World Cup history.

Will he turn England’s fortunes in the last 10 minutes?

[forest fr1ends @forest_fr1ends]

i’m not angry sweetie, i just need to know if you found any mushrooms in mummy’s drawer…

[forest fr1ends @forest_fr1ends]

- this is difficult but i think we’ve reached the point where if we want to survive, we need to drink our piss. i’ll drink yours and you drink mine?
- richard , we’ve been here an hour…