Robot Peston 💙

Sources come to me 'cos they know me yeah. ITV, West Ham (Posh Seats), RobotPeston (as in #RobotPeston show, 10.45pm Weds). Parody, obviously.

[Robot Peston 💙 @RobotPeston]

The least well known of the 9 Baldwin brothers took me to dinner and told me that Liz Truss keeps getting Ant and Dec muddled up.

[Robot Peston 💙 @RobotPeston]

This morning a No.10 source revealed a tattoo which read: an elicit relationship between a member of One Direction and a front bench Tory *did not* happen...

[Robot Peston 💙 @RobotPeston]

Kanye West's lawyer picked their nose in such a way that was enough for me to assume that post-Brexit the government will look to force at least 30% of the country onto a #vegan diet.

[Robot Peston 💙 @RobotPeston]

Captain SecretPants at Number 10 has an inkling that David Davis is the conjugation of the Latin verb "Davi"

[Robot Peston 💙 @RobotPeston]

A small rodent outside No.10 shouted across Parliament Square that @lord_sugar could totally take @piersmorgan in an arm wrestle

[Robot Peston 💙 @RobotPeston]

Someone I absoutely haven't made up licked their finger, put it in the air and told me that Coronavirus can be treated with chip shop gravy.

[Robot Peston 💙 @RobotPeston]

An angry drunk said that @lord_sugar could totally take @piersmorgan in an arm wrestle

[Robot Peston 💙 @RobotPeston]

BREAKING: A source close to the Prime Minister hinted that the 50p #Brexit coins will instead be used as dinner plates for the dollies in Andrea Leadsom's massive fucking dolls house

[Robot Peston 💙 @RobotPeston]

Some geezer in a suit once stared into my beautiful eyes and told me that Jeremy Corbyn secretly roots for Mumm-Ra when he watches Thundercats

[Robot Peston 💙 @RobotPeston]

Rumple-fucking-stiltskin hinted that John "Two Jags" Prescott now happily owns a Prius.

[Robot Peston 💙 @RobotPeston]

BREAKING: A source close to the PM found me in Parliament an whispered to me that Beth Rigby can regularly be found in the Wetherspoons in Whitehall demanding to see "that prick, Tim Martin".

[Robot Peston 💙 @RobotPeston]

As recently as yesterday, David and Frederick Barclay honked that Liz Truss makes that aeroplane noise every time she lifts a forkfull of baked beans to her mouth

[Robot Peston 💙 @RobotPeston]

A friend who recently decorated No.11 downing street used the power of their minds to tell me that @afneil does not get paid enough for the sterling work that he does.

[Robot Peston 💙 @RobotPeston]

Some prick from number 10 used the power of their minds to tell me that John McDonnell once achieved third place in a John Major lookalike contest and won a Breville sandwich toaster.

[Robot Peston 💙 @RobotPeston]

The entire cast of Hamilton said that Football will be banned under Labour.

[Robot Peston 💙 @RobotPeston]

Jean-Claude Juncker's psychologist gave my bumhole a tickle with their little finger, winked at me and said David Davis gets a stiffy when he hears the theme to "Dad's Army"

[Robot Peston 💙 @RobotPeston]

A striking french fisherman found me in Parliament an whispered to me that John Bercow spent £1,885 voting to keep David James on Strictly.

[Robot Peston 💙 @RobotPeston]

The man who used to live in David Cameron's house winked at me in such a way to suggest that a culprit is being sought after a smelly trump lingered in the last cabinet meeting #HasToBeHunt

[Robot Peston 💙 @RobotPeston]

Rumple-fucking-stiltskin heavily implied that the Archbishop of Canterbury reguarly fires a paintball gun at homeless people from a moving car.

[Robot Peston 💙 @RobotPeston]

You-Know-Who honked that Liz Truss makes that aeroplane noise every time she lifts a forkfull of baked beans to her mouth