Dis Rossouw

[Dis Rossouw @Rossouw360]

Is there anybody who will refuse to have another source of income at this moment? No minimum teaching hours means you don't lose anything by being a member of Magic Ears family! Are you a native English speaker with a neutral accent?
Welcome to join us! https://t.co/mSf35oUsIa

[Dis Rossouw @Rossouw360]

Is there anybody who will refuse to have another source of income at this moment No minimum teaching hours means...
You don't lose anything by being a member of Magic Ears family!
Are you a native English speaker with a neutral accent?
Welcome to join us! https://t.co/mSf35oUsIa

[Dis Rossouw @Rossouw360]

Is there anybody who will refuse to have another source of income at this moment？No minimum teaching hours means... You don't lose anything by being a member of Magic Ears family! Are you a native English speaker with a neutral accent? Welcome to join us! https://t.co/mSf35oUsIa

[Andrew Nadeau @TheAndrewNadeau]

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

[Brandon the Cow @Brampersandon_]

INTERVIEWER: do u consider urself independent
ME: *looks at mom in chair behind me*
MOM: *nods*
ME: I'd say yes *gives mom a big thumbs up*

[Dr. Bucky Isotope, PhD Bioplasticity @BuckyIsotope]

ME: Is he going to make it?
DOCTOR: No. I’m afraid he’s down with the sickness
ME: *crying* oohwahahahah
DOCTOR: *holds hand* oohwahahahah

[brent @murrman5]

[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite

[lil jon lovitz(?) @liljonlovitz]

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

[wint @dril]

the jduge orders me to take off my anonymous v mask & im wearing the joker makeup underneath it. everyone in the courtroom groans at my shit

[David Hughes @david8hughes]

Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas

[David Hughes @david8hughes]

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: break horse power?
Me [runs hand along hood]: this baby will smash the fuck out of any horse

[David Hughes @david8hughes]

[breaking 20 minute silence at dinner with gf's parents for the first time]
Me: we're not really pregnant. We only do it in the butt

[David Hughes @david8hughes]

[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?

[David Hughes @david8hughes]

Wife: I'm pregnant
Me [realising I'm about to be a dad & thinking of all the sacrifices & adjustments I'll have to make]: hi pregnant

[David Hughes @david8hughes]

[first day as a weatherman & I let out a really wet fart]
Me: gonna be even windier over the weekend can someone get me a fucken towel

[David Hughes @david8hughes]

Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me [looking at the cat & the toaster]: not yet

[Trevor Noah @Trevornoah]

Maybe Donald Trump is a Magikarp to us and Paul Ryan is just trying to get enough candies to turn him into a Gyarados.
#PokemonGO #Trump2016

[David Hughes @david8hughes]

The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, "Where is the water main?" so I turned on the tap & said, "Right here, main."

[Jeff Wysaski @pleatedjeans]

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I'M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go