Shawn Petrunak

No kids, all bop

[Shawn Petrunak @SPetrunak]

The tribe has spoken

[Miller's Ale House @MillersAleHouse]

@SPetrunak Mountain Melt calories don’t count.

[faemoose @Faemoose]

16 years old.
Fully paid off Costco hotdog.
It's not "parents money".
It's not luck.
It's consistency.
It's discipline.
I grind EVERYDAY to live this lifestyle.

[1️⃣ @LeekNabers]

just met a cute girl at this wedding i’m at

like actually cute. objectively dangerous face card.

we’re talking. vibes are immaculate. she’s laughing at my jokes. i’m in my bag.

then sports get brought up, she says it

“i watch football”

my ears PERKED up

i played it cool. i said “oh nice, what’s your team”

she said “i’m a giants fan”

and that’s where a normal person would’ve said “cool, me too” and gotten her number

but i am not a normal person

my brain instantly went into terminal mode and i said “what do you think of the team?”

she looked confused

i kept going

“Darius Slayton as our WR2? Are you kidding me. Matt Nagy as our OC? Did you see what he did to Patrick Mahomes? Our franchise qb and franchise edge rusher hate each other. And we traded away our superstar DT”

she laughed nervously and said “what”

and i said “And don’t even get me started on Cam Skattebo basically trying to get himself injured”

she said “what”

and i said “so do you even follow the team”

she said “I literally have a Darius Slayton Jersey”

the vibe was GONE

just vanished. Just like Daniel Jones in primetime.

her friend pulled her away. she didn’t look back.

i was standing there alone at a wedding holding a drink i wasn’t even sipping, doing MENTAL MATH on how someone could claim to be a giants fan and think this Darius Slayton deserved that contract.

my cousin walked over and said “bro she looked into you what happened”

i said “she’s a casual”

he said “so?”

SO???

i then realized i would rather cut off my entire family than to share a bloodline with someone of the same species that couldn’t comprehend this

she had a pretty face but a DISGUSTING perspective on life that i just couldn’t get behind

could’ve had her number

she could’ve been the mother of my children

COULD’VE.

but now at least she knows i know ball

and honestly that’s worth more

[Lion (Flip you like…) @Champ_Lion]

Just turn the tape off after the first throw lmao. The best ever bro

[Reece Hamilton @reece7hamilton]

Gotta be a top 3 pint that

[The Babylon Bee @TheBabylonBee]

"It doesn't look good, boys and girls." https://t.co/Gx7wXfYLhj

[No Escalators @NoEscalators]

Four quarters and a halftime show we did it baby

[Barry @BarryOnHere]

The scientologists got to Elmo. This is bad.

[Sean Cranston @themoviedadsc]

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Wives on a Sunday during a major global sporting event: There's a kids birthday party we need to go that's during the game

[Flavortown @flavortown]

An hour after a caeser salad

[Shawn Petrunak @SPetrunak]

@EMMY_SMITHY Was this the day we met?

[Tucker Martin @jtuckermartin]

This is 100% the safest thing you can eat right now

[Big Choctaw @Derekalexander_]

As an adult, missing trash day is one of the biggest L’s you can take

[P @theogpooh]

We in a dookiedemic and I don’t see toilet paper flying off the shelves like during Covid???

[𐌁𐌉Ᏽ 𐌕𐌉𐌌𐌉 @OrevaZSN]

I saw someone say, “No spoilers for The Odyssey.” Brother, you’ve had 3,000 years to read the book.

[𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉𝒍𝒆𝒓 @MoMohler]

Trust me, you are not stronger than the Taco Bell diarrhea lettuce. Don’t be a hero.

[The Ginger Swindler @lilydsmith]

monday again

[Shawn Petrunak @SPetrunak]

@EthanOf126 when there’s crab Rangoon anywhere

[Robert Sterling @RobertMSterling]

Me and my absolute bro on our way to put an all-you-can-eat sushi buffet out of business tonight