Sam Schroeder

Two’s a hop, three’s a crawl

[Sam Schroeder @SammySchro]

I need the world to know that my phone autocorrected “male” to “female” today, and to accept it.

[Sam Schroeder @SammySchro]

I’m 33. Am I too old for my goth phase? I arguably have more to be goth about now than I did as a spry teen

[Sam Schroeder @SammySchro]

Wait. Are we still “tweeting?” Are we at an Xing trying to cross something somewhere? What the hell is going on you guys? #X

[Sam Schroeder @SammySchro]

Does #X mark the spot at which I get the hell outta here? Read on to find out

[Alex Cohen @anothercohen]

I was laid off from Twitter today. I was the designer in charge of our new rebranding to X.

I learned so much in my 2.5 weeks at the company but I’m excited to see where I land next.

If you’re hiring a self taught, junior designer please DM me. Graphic design is my passion!

[Sam Schroeder @SammySchro]

Ok all I needed to do was clean my apt and now my bed is in my dining room. Why am I like this?

[Sam Schroeder @SammySchro]

Was @Kleenex invented because people felt like they were somehow sniffing butts if they were to use toilet paper to blow their nose?

[Sam Schroeder @SammySchro]

The thought “now where did I last take my shorts off?” came to me today while searching for my wallet, so I’d say I’m right where I’m supposed to be at almost 33

[Sam Schroeder @SammySchro]

*Preparing to pretend like I “accidentally” responded to a celeb’s Instagram story like they’re a friend of mine if any of them miraculously slide into my DMs* #noshame #shootyourshot #YOLO

[Sam Schroeder @SammySchro]

I recently discovered that there’s a much finer grind of coffee used for espresso, and I gotta tell ya, I think my $30 #espresso machine is making espresso for the first time ever

[Sam Schroeder @SammySchro]

@nlyonne How about a whale?

[Sam Schroeder @SammySchro]

@JasonIsbell Saucy

[Sam Schroeder @SammySchro]

Is that what we are calling the dumps after eating Taco Bell these days - “hot takes”?

[Taco Bell @tacobell]

Drop your Taco Bell hot take.

[Sam Schroeder @SammySchro]

I want you all to know that I have scheduled an oil change more than 3 weeks in advance get with the program the rest of you

[Sam Schroeder @SammySchro]

Update: a text has been received. This is not a drill.

[Sam Schroeder @SammySchro]

I’m finding the key to dating when you’re gay is to hit on a guy in a way that could easily pass as being friendly so he has both an out or can remain oblivious. Exhibit A:

[Sam Schroeder @SammySchro]

“I really miss my women” #ZachTheSnach #TheBachelor #sisterwives

[Sam Schroeder @SammySchro]

Takeaway from my car being broken into: it’s not worth even attempting to sell the old box of DVDs in the backseat as not even thieves want them

[TornadoBall @TornadoBall2]

ELI MOOSK WHERE IS TORNADO BALL @elonmusk

[Sam Schroeder @SammySchro]

Who is this Josh and why is he such a kidster