Santa Hirsch

Hand me my glow-sticks, mama wants to jiggle

[t 🕊 @trishasucks]

what I looked like on halloween vs the picture I sent my dad

[Santa Hirsch @SantaSantota]

@ktlynnrmn Ask myself that every day

[sammi @sammi___s]

I called my grandpa to see if he was okay with me coming over and making him dinner tonight and this man said “well wait until I get home and I’ll call and let you know” YALL I cant even get a date with my GRANDPA

[Max Grossman @GrossmanMax]

One time, I coached a Disney Channel actor on a song and they asked me to play the G-hashtag. Not G-sharp (G#), but G-hashtag.

[Santa Hirsch @SantaSantota]

@rozzheeg Gimme your email gurl.

[Max Grossman @GrossmanMax]

It’s 90 minutes with no intermission

[Santa Hirsch @SantaSantota]

My favorite text I sent today: “I’m not watching your husband’s porn!” #StopAskingMe #outofcontext

[Santa Hirsch @SantaSantota]

Knows all the words and choreography to “I Put A Spell On You” sung by Bette Midler in “Hocus Pocus”, but can’t remember my social security number... #priorities

[Santa Hirsch @SantaSantota]

My 23 & me said I was basically like... super Neanderthal so I decided to embrace it. #neanderthot

[Santa Hirsch @SantaSantota]

Favorite thing I heard today: After 30, you can’t eat Taco Bell and have sex on the same day.

My version: If anyone saw the way I eat Taco Bell, they wouldn’t want to have sex with me anyways.

[Santa Hirsch @SantaSantota]

Listening to Christmas music (Aug 15) while sipping on tequila and telling my friend why I think I should either be a nun or a lesbian and just give up on men entirely. #givingup #tequila #nunsense

[Santa Hirsch @SantaSantota]

How my date went:
Me: So what’s new in your life?
Date: Just got promoted to an office... with a window
Me: Very cool, windows are... cool
Date: Talks about his new window for another 13 hours. #WindowsOfWonder #datinginreallife

[Santa Hirsch @SantaSantota]

When all else fails, cry into your beer and shove fried chicken down your throat. #chicken #imnotpickybut

[Santa Hirsch @SantaSantota]

Just made watermelon water. Feeling super healthy and my #bestself! *pours whole bottle of tequila into the mixture* #tequila #thisishealthyright?

[Santa Hirsch @SantaSantota]

Places I’ve cried today: A deli, Port Authority, Subway, Jersey, Port Authority. #portauthorityscaresme #imlost #justcry

[Santa Hirsch @SantaSantota]

It’s 1AM and I just ate an avocado the size of a baby... #avocadobaby #GoToBed #ChallengeAccepted

[Santa Hirsch @SantaSantota]

I am very competitive, so whenever I’m challenged I quit. #JustQuit #ChallengeAccepted

[Santa Hirsch @SantaSantota]

If I go to your wedding, I expect to be given a blender. You’ve found the love of your life, you don’t deserve the blender anymore. #MakeMargaritas #FridayThoughts #GiveMeABlender #weddingideas