dr.scigglez

Remember me(?/!)

[dr.scigglez @Scigglez]

GF: "You're cute when you're drunk"
Me: "You're cute when I'm drunk too"

[dr.scigglez @Scigglez]

This is my daughter, Brie.
- Cute!
And my son, Edam.
- With an E, like the cheese? So wait is Brie named after-
And my youngest, Ella.
- Oh, nm.
Short for Mozzarella.
- OK HOLD ON!

[Wolf Blitzer @wolfblitzer]

Check out this exchange I had with then private citizen @realDonaldTrump on Oct. 15, 2008. We spoke about House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and he then offered his thoughts about impeachment.

[Adrienne Airhart Helberg @craydrienne]

My Mexican waiter put my food down in front of another white lady who looked nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait that's not my waiter.

[Nicole @itsnotnicolexo]

Plz retweet this so as many people get to see it as possible

[dr.scigglez @Scigglez]

Anyone know when @realDonaldTrump plans on releasing his Summer Reading List? I can’t find it anywhere.

[dr.scigglez @Scigglez]

Today is the 10th anniversary of Michael Jackson’s death as well as the 35th anniversary of the release of Prince’s Purple Rain, which means MJ timed his death to overshadow the 25th anniversary of his biggest rival’s biggest album & that’s just max pettiness right there, folks.

[dr.scigglez @Scigglez]

The strongest argument for Trump not being a real billionaire is that he doesn’t claim to be a trillionaire.

[dr.scigglez @Scigglez]

For my fellow white folk:

Exhaustive list of occasions where it’s ok to wear black face, including the edgiest of settings and around your black friends you are sure “get it.”

1. Just fuckin never.

[dr.scigglez @Scigglez]

I was thinking that Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles (CHLA) could have followed Philadelphia’s lead and used the “of” to make a nice, pronounceable acronym “CHOLA” but now instantly see how that might be problematic...

[dr.scigglez @Scigglez]

[has friend listen to hip hop banger]
Friend: I don’t care all the swearing and misogony
Me: Ugh, just ignore that then!

[friend has me listen to equally catchy Christian Rock song]
Me: OMG enough with the God references, so annoying!

[dr.scigglez @Scigglez]

@ElPolloLoco I’ma open a farm-to-table chain called El Pollo LOCAL and I don’t think there’s a damn thing you can do about it.

[dr.scigglez @Scigglez]

New merch slogan for the resistance:

Tr(i)ump(h)

[dr.scigglez @Scigglez]

Graduated to a new level of Overweight today, from “underwear band automatically folds over” to “occasionally snores while awake.” 💪🏼

[dr.scigglez @Scigglez]

When you remember how @SarahPalinUSA dismissed Obama as the “celebrity president.”

[dr.scigglez @Scigglez]

Husband Status: so demoralized and utterly owned that I just got bullied into paying FULL PRICE $14.99 to stream “50 Shades Freed” and may very well delete this tweet to avoid having my dismay come to be known...

[dr.scigglez @Scigglez]

Arguing “more guns!” because a resource officer used one to end a school shooting is like arguing “more opioids!” because narcan can be used to reverse an overdose.

[dr.scigglez @Scigglez]

*Me watching House Hunters while a cute, wholesome couple picks the house in the better school district over the one with the bar and hot tub*

“Oh grow up you stupid fucking cunts!”

[Jess Dweck @TheDweck]

When a piece of lettuce makes someone sick, we recall all the lettuce

[Sage Boggs @sageboggs]

*gymnast does a triple-double ultra-spin backflip-frontflip but takes a tiny step when she lands*
ME: [mouthful of Pringles] what a loser