Sebastian Daark

Sebastian Daark was born inconveniently curious and has made a career of regretting it. Educated in the classical tradition (Latin, philosophy, bad decisions),

[Sebastian Daark @SebastianDaark]

I took one look at this film and immediately thought, "If I ever end up watching this, it'll be on the smallest screen I can find." Not the television. Not even my phone. No, this feels like the sort of cinematic experience best appreciated on an Apple Watch, where the display is so tiny it might accidentally improve the production values.

[Sebastian Daark @SebastianDaark]

@Eccy_reviews I haven't watched this film, and I don't intend to. But if fate ever forces the issue, it'll be on an Apple Watch. Not because it's convenient because if something's going to waste my time, it should at least struggle to waste my pixels.

[Sebastian Daark @SebastianDaark]

@Nerdrotics @netflix Ouch! 😂

[Sebastian Daark @SebastianDaark]

@OneTakeNews @TheInSneider

[Sebastian Daark @SebastianDaark]

A is for Cameron, who opened a very polite door marked "change" and politely stepped aside when the building started arguing with itself. B is for May, who tried to organise chaos into a neat queue and was immediately overruled by the queue. C is for Boris, a walking sketch where the punchline kept escaping into another room. D is for Truss, who arrived, declared time non-linear, and left before the kettle finished boiling. E is for Sunak, calmly running the nation like it’s a spreadsheet that keeps shouting back. F is for Starmer, currently holding the whole thing together with the expression of someone waiting for a train that may not exist on this timetable. And somewhere off-stage, the Count is delighted "One government, two government, three government… ah-ah-ah… still buffering!"🤨

[Sebastian Daark @SebastianDaark]

The call for a General Election lands like Only Fools and Horses where Del Boy’s sold “certainty” to three parties, Rodney’s quietly calculating the moral VAT, and the Trotter van has broken down somewhere inside the manifesto itself. Angela Rayner says "election," and Westminster instantly behaves like it’s just discovered the contract was printed on the back of a dodgy dinner menu and signed in a hurry outside the Nag’s Head.
Everyone’s suddenly confident, slightly panicked, and convinced they’re about to become millionaires until you realise the briefcase is full of nothing but promises, string, and a faint smell of electoral regret.🤨

[Sebastian Daark @SebastianDaark]

@PoliticsPollss Better? Hard to say feels like the same national chaos, just now with a filing system and a lad in Whitehall insisting it’s all "version controlled."

[Sebastian Daark @SebastianDaark]

From taking the party from its worst defeat in modern history to a landslide four years later, you’ve got to admire the efficiency of it all like rebuilding a house while still living in the ruins and insisting the kettle has always been on. And yes, the British taxpayer will be funding the whole reconstruction effort for a very long time mostly in small monthly instalments, each one accompanied by a reassuring leaflet titled "This is Fine, Actually." Somewhere down the line, there’ll be a plaque unveiled that simply reads: "Paid for. Eventually."🤨

[Sebastian Daark @SebastianDaark]

Another Prime Minister? Excellent. The kettle had just settled and now the whole country is being reboiled.
They tend to appear the way lost umbrellas do suddenly, in a doorway, insisting they’ve always been yours, while everyone quietly remembers the last one bent in the wind. Give it a week and we’ll all be adjusting to the new model: same buttons, slightly different beep, still occasionally makes strange noises during interviews.
Meanwhile, somewhere in a cabinet office drawer, a folder labelled "We Had a System Once" quietly tries to escape.🤨

[Sebastian Daark @SebastianDaark]

@BorisJohnson The biggest expression of popular will in our history?
Possibly... But it still ranks behind the Great Pigeon Referendum of 1987. Millions voted.
Nobody remembers voting.
The pigeons won.
Shortly afterwards Boris Johnson appeared.
Make of that what you will.🤨

[Sebastian Daark @SebastianDaark]

@SteveReedMP Fair enough. But can someone explain why every former Prime Minister eventually develops an intense interest in sheds?
Not gardening.
Not DIY.
Just sheds.
Large sheds. Small sheds. Secret sheds.
The pattern is impossible to ignore.🤨

[Sebastian Daark @SebastianDaark]

Keir Starmer leaves office with dignity and integrity.
Fine... But can someone explain why every Prime Minister since 1979 has reportedly received a phone call at exactly 3:17am from a man claiming to be "The Duke of Pigeons"?
The caller never asks for anything.
He simply says:
"They know."
And hangs up.
The government refuses to comment.🤨

[Sebastian Daark @SebastianDaark]

@PontistGirl Call a general election?
Fine... But first I’d like an explanation for the mysterious shed near Coventry that’s apparently full of former Prime Ministers making garden tools.
One constitutional crisis at a time. 🤨

[Sebastian Daark @SebastianDaark]

@AdamJSchwarz Will Starmer become a toolmaker?
History suggests it’s only a matter of time...
Every former Prime Minister eventually finds themselves in a shed, crafting increasingly elaborate garden implements and refusing to explain why.

[Sebastian Daark @SebastianDaark]

Will Starmer now become a toolmaker?
Most people don’t know this, but under an obscure 14th-century bylaw, any British leader making a declaration of resignation must spend seven years crafting hand tools in a shed somewhere near Coventry.
The shed is moved every Thursday...
Look it up.

Oh yeah. You can’t.

That’s why it’s suspicious. 🤨

[Sebastian Daark @SebastianDaark]

Woke up sounding like #JamesBlunt after gargling gravel and regret. Made tea. The tea screamed. The toaster blinked twice in Morse code. Neighbour's pigeon winked at me again. It's only 7:12am. Going back to bed seems optimistic.

[Sebastian Daark @SebastianDaark]

@Eman5695

[Sebastian Daark @SebastianDaark]

@Keir_Starmer

[Sebastian Daark @SebastianDaark]

@GymBr_o