weevil knievel

Rats.

[weevil knievel @SethTigner]

Thanks @blumenfeld and @JakeHurwitz for loaning your handwriting! My sister and I were crying tears of soy

[⚙️ @NastyBoySam]

when i was 18 one of my friends brought out this doohickey while we were rolling up and we laughed so fucking hard he prob debated killing himself that night. later after we smoked all the blunts we freestyled and almost every bar was about him and that gadget

[weevil knievel @SethTigner]

@CDRomance_Spike Star Fox adventures I think is what you’re remembering

[🔎Al🔍 @SweatieAngle]

Give me your lunch money right now

[Mark Duplass @MarkDuplass]

I had to look up yaoi

[ben📹 @sprksmcfly]

i saw conner o’malley live last year & at some point in his set he went “you guys ever go to the bank and you’re just like “fuck i hope BANE doesn’t show up”?” i think about it sometimes

[Berwyn Choobs @sabatonfan69]

Goalkeeper reveal is one of the funniest things I’ve seen recently

[Josh Hart @joshhart]

I beg your pardon….HE DOES WHAT??

[Hoops McCann @ravidravidravid]

beagle bartender: what’ll it be
me: dirty martini—shaken
beagle bartender: this isn’t just to watch my ears flap is it
me: nooo come on man
beagle bartender: sure alright *starts shaking and his ears flap*
me: hahaha :) hahahaha

[Matthew Ivan @matthewivan77]

walking out of a film alongside the crowd and turning to a complete stranger and saying “that was such a you movie”

[daniel @danielmustdiee]

my friend's letterboxd account pisses me off so much

[Integrity Guy @Integrity_Freak]

Country song 1960: I got laid off in December, lost the house this past July / and if you leave me, Mary-Anne, I’ll kill myself tonight

Country song today: A simple blade of grass makes me smile / And a baby is a kind of child.

[Hi @jake769ww]

I would hurt a fly

[John Wicker Park @phonybone]

It’s anti art when your girlfriend goes to the bathroom during a movie you like and says you don’t have to pause it

[lev @lisco_2000]

mind you the offseason started 4 days ago

[realyuriyearners @realyuriyearns]

slam into the other car. shoot my wife. shoot the guy in the other car. shoot the baby coyote. then myself. everyone involved was evil anyways.

[🍁philip @PhiliDips_]

Just saw a blind woman with her dog walk into a Starbucks in a Longos grocery store

"Wait, is this a Starbucks?"

"Yes"

"Damn it, I don't know why he always takes me to Starbucks!"

[turbomander @turbomander]

*says something so embarrassing that i curl up and begin to molt*
*gesturing at my discarded exoskeleton* was that guy bothering you

[weevil knievel @SethTigner]

@DutchBros I was at one of your establishments to get a mystery frog and your employees said you were all out even though I could see them diving in to a Scrooge mcduck style pool through the drive thru window please help