Shannon Lorenzen

Mom, Momster, writer, mattress jumper, dinosaur supervisor, freelance whiskey specialist. One or more of those are probably true.

[Shannon Lorenzen @ShannonSpeaking]

This is the serif vs sans serif #WorldSeries

[Shannon Lorenzen @ShannonSpeaking]

@natelorenzen The Talking Feds

[Shannon Lorenzen @ShannonSpeaking]

Good Morning and Happy “I didn’t know my toddler even knew HOW to turn off the water heater” day to all who celebrate.

[Shannon Lorenzen @ShannonSpeaking]

Is sand different than we were kids? Like, more Velcro? Like, “sorry everyone who came to the beach after us, we took all the sand home with us. Good luck with your sand castles, bitches!!!!” Lolololol…except we’re still the losers in this scenario.

[Shannon Lorenzen @ShannonSpeaking]

It’s the time of year where you have to dress for arctic winter in the morning and sunbathing in the afternoon and I’m not nearly responsible enough to get dressed under these ludicrous conditions.

[Adam @adamgreattweet]

*gun violence happens*

republicans:

[Shannon Lorenzen @ShannonSpeaking]

France right now.

https://t.co/s6PKz1eXJ0 via @giphy

[Shannon Lorenzen @ShannonSpeaking]

What’s the German word for “the crippling self awareness of being pretty dumb after having children”?

[Shannon Lorenzen @ShannonSpeaking]

One of my favorite parts of being a mom is killing myself to introduce them to new food textures, flavors and cuisines that they absolutely refuse to eat.

[WittySassBasket™ @WittySassBasket]

at this point, my fear is if I relax my muscles my skeleton will fall out of my body

[Shannon Lorenzen @ShannonSpeaking]

Nothing makes me think that being at home is a luxurious, blissful, carefree vacation like taking my kids on an actual vacation.

[Shannon Lorenzen @ShannonSpeaking]

Shoutout to the clearly childless chaos agent who scheduled early morning TBall photos the day after Spring Forward.

[Shannon Lorenzen @ShannonSpeaking]

Just told my 4yo that no he can’t put his 15mo brother in the oven followed very closely by “I don’t care if you’re a banana ghost, you can’t walk around with a Paw Patrol sleeping bag on your head” and anyway, thanks for coming to my Ted talk on “why vodka was invented.”

[Shannon Lorenzen @ShannonSpeaking]

Got a babysitter and am going to a 7 PM movie tonight, so to answer your questions, yes, I am wildly delusional and no I don't care if snore. That's why God invented surround sound.

[Shannon Lorenzen @ShannonSpeaking]

@natelorenzen Here for the dad jokes. Especially AI dad jokes.

[Shannon Lorenzen @ShannonSpeaking]

And this, kids, is how cups-of-coffee-forgotten-in-the-microwave are born.

[Shannon Lorenzen @ShannonSpeaking]

Love googling something with so much specific detail that even google is like “I have no idea where you’re going with this” and stops auto filling.

You’re not getting in my brain today, Robot. Not today.

[Shannon Lorenzen @ShannonSpeaking]

Me: ah, a cold, rainy day! Shall we slip into our comfy-cozies and snuggle in for a cozy hibernation-like time?

4yo:

15mo:

1yo dog:

Me:

*chaos erupts as unexpended child energy explodes everywhere*

[Shannon Lorenzen @ShannonSpeaking]

My no-makeup-makeup look is more of a no-really-I'm-not-wearing-makeup-because-I-have-only-a-hot-4-minutes-to-shower-and-get-dressed-and-makeup-doesn't-fit-into-that-disaster-of-a-timeframe look.

[Shannon Lorenzen @ShannonSpeaking]

I’m at the stage of life where it takes three nights of extreme dedication and concerted effort to watch a two hour movie.

[Shannon Lorenzen @ShannonSpeaking]

My 15mo has gotten in the habit of opening the trashcan and eating the food he finds on top and honestly I am 100% on board for this snacking-self-sufficiency. Enjoy that toast crust and day-too-old banana, buddy.