Mel(issa)

My mind has been corrupted by colors, sounds and shapes... and I'm angry and cynical.. I rant a lot.. That's probably all you need to know really.

[Mel(issa) @Shearsmithery]

@SenTedCruz @SenMikeLee You think we're back in the early 1900s? That's disgusting. Are you sure that's even a LEGAL pelt, Mr. Senator?

[Mel(issa) @Shearsmithery]

#Hannibal, damnit

[Mel(issa) @Shearsmithery]

Could we get more Sherlock slash masturbatory discussions/sketches/memes randomly circulating? Not sure seeing a shitton a day is sufficient

[Mel(issa) @Shearsmithery]

Thanks to @Curvalicious for always letting me know about my latest hack job, btw. FFS. Have tried one last go on protecting my acct.

[Mel(issa) @Shearsmithery]

Contemplating deleting account b/c I rarely tweet, get hacked relentlessly no matter what I do & they won't let you put accts in purgatory.

[Mel(issa) @Shearsmithery]

FYI: Twitter's mobile security doesn't work. It's meant to text you a code to enter in order to log in each time. Still hacked; no code sent

[Jake Fogelnest @jakefogelnest]

Uh oh, Santa Claus looks really sick. :(

[Daniel Lin @danwlin]

Edward Snowden saw something, said something.

[Jim Gaffigan @JimGaffigan]

That awkward moment when you realize that awkward moment is a whole thing and not even awkward but annoying.

[Mel(issa) @Shearsmithery]

News orgs: You're no longer allowed to tweet articles that begin w/beloved star's name unless they've died. Just had mini stroke, @guardian.

[Mel(issa) @Shearsmithery]

@rickygervais What the piss is wrong with your followers? Are they illiterate or Batman villains?

[vladchoc @vladchoc]

Is it true that when you die you can walk straight through people? Because Ikea's aisles are really badly designed.

[Mel(issa) @Shearsmithery]

Can't be arsed to read tweets with multiple @'s, multiple #'s replacing words & links throughout. I just hear fart sounds when I see those.

[vladchoc @vladchoc]

I don't need people. I have potato chips. And unlike people you can enjoy them and then legally throw their crumpled remains into a campfire

[vladchoc @vladchoc]

Think my neighbor saw me in his driveway crank-starting his cat's tail. Embarrassing. Oh well. Meggle's purr engine is charged for the week.

[vladchoc @vladchoc]

It seriously pisses me off that these train commuters think they can sneak out one of my world famous standing reverse lap dances for free.

[Damien Fahey @DamienFahey]

Guy Fieri looks like if the Devil was from Tampa.

[Damien Fahey @DamienFahey]

I'm starting a website to rival Kickstarter where you just give your credit card number to celebrities.

[Damien Fahey @DamienFahey]

The poster for Hangover 3 should just be an idiot throwing 12 dollars into the wind.

[Damien Fahey @DamienFahey]

I hope this new Yelp update is the one that finally forces people writing reviews of Subway to really examine their life.