Shit Captain Says

Wise words from the Captain

[Shit Captain Says @Shit_Cap_Says]

I'd fuck a balloon to pay for college #balloonfetish

[Shit Captain Says @Shit_Cap_Says]

Don't you wish sometimes that you could put a vacuum on your butt and suck all the poop out?

[Shit Captain Says @Shit_Cap_Says]

When two Mondos become one Mondo #MeetTheWerners

[Shit Captain Says @Shit_Cap_Says]

Don't tell anybody, but when I saw @TommyLongfellow I almost cried. I think I might be gay for him.

[Shit Captain Says @Shit_Cap_Says]

I like the wet texture of ranch

[Shit Captain Says @Shit_Cap_Says]

Who doesn't have a butt plug?

[Shit Captain Says @Shit_Cap_Says]

I don't think I have a gag reflex

[Shit Captain Says @Shit_Cap_Says]

Fish Tycoon is so ridiculous. I have never gotten a second batch of fish in my life. Nobody wants my fish.

[Shit Captain Says @Shit_Cap_Says]

Let's go to Delta Chi they have Canadian bacon on their pizza pie

[Shit Captain Says @Shit_Cap_Says]

Are you eating coconut crab cum in a burrito?

[Shit Captain Says @Shit_Cap_Says]

You know what, fuck you, Little Ceasars is good.

[Shit Captain Says @Shit_Cap_Says]

I will never get a colonoscapy. I will die of colon cancer before i do that.

[Shit Captain Says @Shit_Cap_Says]

I heard that this guy died because a giant pelican picked him up and brought him to the nest and had his babies peck at him until he died.

[Shit Captain Says @Shit_Cap_Says]

":)"

[Shit Captain Says @Shit_Cap_Says]

Cant even figure out how to do these god damn emojs

[Shit Captain Says @Shit_Cap_Says]

Order of things I like:
Ranch
Jessica Alba
Coors Banquet
Dota
Cheerleader Song

[Shit Captain Says @Shit_Cap_Says]

My mustache is long. I could eat it.

[Shit Captain Says @Shit_Cap_Says]

Longest armhair of all time. I'm a freak of nature

[Shit Captain Says @Shit_Cap_Says]

What's up with precum? Like why does that happen?

[Shit Captain Says @Shit_Cap_Says]

Can we stop looking at pics and start looking at dicks.